The "regular" doctor

We had an appointment with our OB last week. I don't know what I wanted to gain from the appointment. I'm grateful we had it, because it meant he was still our doctor. It meant we didn't need to deliver at the U. It meant we didn't need to be next door to the surgeon. I don't know what I wanted it to be, I don't know if it gave me every piece of knowledge I needed to tide me over. I just know that we had it and it was fine. And, fine is fine. No one can complain about fine.

Casey and I met at the doctors office as usual. Our doctor was on time as per usual. I peed in a cup as per usual. I stood on the scale. I had my blood pressure checked. Before the appointment I said, I want him to measure his head and I don't want him to measure his head.

I wanted him to, because I wanted a 12. I needed to hear the reassurance from someone else that we had a good measurement. I didn't want him to because I didn't want any other number and I don't know what I would do waiting for the next appointment with another number in my head.

I didn't want him to because I wanted him to be confident that it's an unnecessary measurement. And, I don't know if I want to know.

First, I said I would ask him to. Then I decided I wouldn't. Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't change how much I love him. It won't change my prayer. It won't change God's plan. And, it won't change my thoughts every minute from now until he's born.

He didn't measure, and I didn't ask.

We did get an ultrasound. His heart looks good. His head measures fine. He didn't measure ventricles. Myers had his hand in front of his face. I'm not supposed to say this, but the picture we got makes him look like a frog. Casey disagrees and doesn't think I should say my kid looks like a frog. It's just because his hand is moving in front of him.

Our doctor asked how the specialist went. We told him we've been twice. He was satisfied with the "mild" diagnosis. Casey mentioned he liked our second appointment better than our first. He said it in a very polite way. He asked if we had any questions. We have none. I have had questions at every appointment. Silly things, important things. I had a list for the specialist. But at this appointment, I had none. I don't care whether or not I have him completely natural. I don't care if I have to be started or if I have a c-section. It's all just a process to get him here. And, I don't care anymore. I just want him to get here.

It was a fine appointment. It was a normal appointment. It was enough to tide me over. It just wasn't enough to tide me over for long enough. Our next appointment with the specialist is weeks away. I'm grateful they were confident enough to schedule it out that far. The anticipation just builds. I'm not counting down for Thanksgiving or until when Granny comes again. I'm only counting down to that appointment. I'll have another "normal" appointment before then to tide me over, I guess. But I only want this appointment. If they can tell me 12 again, I'd like to say I'll be fine the rest of the time. I'll be patient until he comes. But, that would be a lie. I'll want to know everyday until he comes. I'll want to know again once he comes. But for now, I'm going to try to be good with fine. I'm going to remember that I have no control. I'll remember how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I'll know how much he loves Myers. And, I'll know that every time I get nervous or need a number He is there. And, fine is the perfect answer. I'll be more than grateful for fine appointments. And, I'll prepare for this perfect little boy.

He {Rewind}

We found out we were having a boy on July 22. Neither of us cared (seriously, a whole freaking baseball team could come out and we'd be thrilled) but I felt like it was a girl. I didn't want a girl more, I just felt it was a girl. Maybe because I in-visioned us having a girl, we had the perfect January baby name for a girl. I don't know. If it was twins, I totally would have said boys. The kids I'd imagined were always  boys if they were twins and first. Moving on.

I told our doctor we would not tell people unless he was 95% sure. The good doctor Isn't a Vegas man and I don't think he wanted to see me at 20 weeks mad so he gave us 80%. However, you can deny that something maybe isn't there yet, but there is no argument to "it's a boy and that's not the umbilical cord". I promised we still wouldn't tell, and we still wouldn't paint the nursery.

It's still sinking in. I don't know boy babies. That's a lot of pressure. That's a lot of decision making right when it comes out. A lot.

I bought him some clothes and told Granny. (She's like Case. She's a vault.)

I love other people's little boys. I've never been around a boy for that long. They get hurt, they break appendages. They like bugs. They play sports for crying out loud.

I thought about what I would do when his feelings were hurt. How I would feel when he gets called out on first base. It makes my soul sad. What if he gets his feelings hurt or has a hard time making friends. What if I can't teach him the Christ like love he'll need to draw others closet to his Heavenly Father. What if he never feels the spirit guiding him to do something for someone else. What if he doesn't know compassion because I couldn't teach him?

It was then I realized, I'm not the mom of a boy. This wasn't about me. This was about something bigger. I may not be the mom of a boy, but Casey is a dad of a boy. Casey is the dad of this boy. And, that is exactly as it was intended.

Casey is the dad that plays ball in the yard. Case is the dad making sure someone other than Mom earned the boy scout merit badges. Casey is the dad that honors his Priesthood. Casey will show him how to treat girls, and his future wife. Casey will prepare him to serve a mission. Casey will know how it feels the first time you give someone else a blessing. I love that this little boy can experience the blessings of feeling the priesthood in our home. I love that he will always know how much his dad loves him. We prayed for him. Often. He will know and witness his dad do all things with a greater faith.  And, I am so lucky to get to watch it all.

He's a boy. And, we're in love.

Appointment 2- Ventriculomegaly Post 3

Friday finally came.

Finally.

Our appointment wasn't until 11:30. That is SO late. We both stayed home. I'd like to say we got a lot accomplished, but we just kind of sat there. We pulled in to the hospital parking lot and I realized I forgot my notebook with 2 weeks of questions that I needed answers to. I was so mad. I sat all morning and couldn't remember my trusted notebook. oh well.

I asked Case what he hoped for. I said I prayed for a "12". But then I felt greedy. So, maybe a 13. I wanted a 12 because a diagnosis went from moderate to mild. And, mild had some really good outcomes. But, praying for a 12 was like asking for too much, getting my hopes up too high. Casey said he just wanted the number to be lower. 

We went back with our ultrasound tech and a student from WSU sat in the room as well. I really appreciate the honesty of the techs and the doctors. Don't sugar coat it and tell me scientific answers. That's what helps me. I want numbers. I want real answers.

Myers had his head down. Always. And, he doesn't move. Cute stubborn kid, that one. She tried to measure his head for awhile. Gave up, and came back to it later. His left side is enlarged. And, it's always mostly blocked. His right ventricle measured 8.5. Lower. We were so excited. Or, a normal amount of excited. It's hard to judge excitement when you don't really know what's next. His left side measured 18. She told us she didn't think it was a good measurement and needed to go back, but 18 gets stuck in your head really easy. I'm not really sure what an appropriate response is whilst lying supine on a table with jelly on your belly. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be done. I didn't want to bawl like a crazy, but like there were a few tears. ya know? Every time they measure his head, they try to go somewhere else and tell us something really positive. His femur length was good, which is a good sign actually because that can indicate some other abnormalities. They would point out his cute little lips and note that he doesn't have a cleft palette. His heart looks amazing. In fact, they watched that forever because it's just so perfect. He has plenty of fluid around him. The placenta looks good. It's all good. So, why is there this one thing? We went back to his head. She measured again between a 14-15. That was similar to before and with Myers growing, it's okay for the number to have not shrunk. She was going to show our doctor the images and send the doctor in. Our normal doctor (our normal perinatalogist) was out and his partner would be looking over the images today. She asked if her student could practice ultrasound while she was gone. She also gave us a token souvenir of Myers, and his hand in front of his face. Always. It's actually really cute. And, it's really nice of them to do that.

The student scanned for freaking FOREVER. Oh, I was so done. But I didn't want to be rude. Education is important and it's not like we could do anything while waiting anyways. But oh my gosh. It was like an hour by the time both had scanned. She was so nice and kept asking if I was doing okay. Really. I sound like a brat. But she was nice.

The doctor came in, introduced herself and reported that she wanted to scan. She wanted to do her own because she felt like she could do better. She wanted the ventricle measured more towards the back and all of the ones up to this point were in the middle. She showed us where she was measuring on the right ventricle and explained why she felt it was a better representation of what was really going on. Then she went over to the left ventricle where she showed why it was so hard for the techs to get a good measurement because of where he was laying and where she planned to measure. Bless her amazing, wonderful, intelligent soul. She measured him at a 12.2.

12.2

Do you know where that is? That's almost MILD.

MILD.

So, before, Myers was in the moderate category. 1 number away from severe. Now, he's just shy of that mild category. It's like a whole new world over here.

With a mild diagnosis:
- 90% of children develop normally. They achieve milestones on time. They score similar to peers on academic testing.
- He will still have an increased chance of having Down Syndrome. The percentage goes up to about 10%. About half of that percentage of kids actually have it. The only way to tell is to do an amniocentesis. We aren't doing it.
- He might get a low enough measurement while still in utero. It may go down shortly after he's born. 

To put it into perspective, I have no sadness or fear of this outcome. With a moderate diagnosis, I was talking about my child having brain surgery right away. They talked about him being still born. It's completely different.

Our second doctor, or the one that day, doesn't want to see us again for 4 weeks. Peace out! I am completely happy not walking back into that office for 4 more weeks. We've got this. Am I still nervous? Absolutely. The fluid filled space could still grow. We could quickly end up back in the moderate or severe category. But most kids, you would never even know. And, I'm so good with that answer.

Myers will be exactly who he and his Heavenly Father have already decided he is supposed to be. And, I'm so good with whatever answer that is. We absolutely love him. We are grateful for such amazing doctors and techs that have measured and watched him. We are so thankful that they will continue to watch him. Mostly, we're happy that he's ours and can't wait to meet him.

We really can't thank all of our family and friends for the millions of prayers. 

2 Weeks - Ventriculomegaly Post 2

If you haven't read the first post, maybe do that now. It was just long so I broke it into pieces. I still will post them at the same time, because waiting is one of life's cruelest tricks.

Casey and I decided we would go ahead and do blood work to check for infection. We would hold off on an amniocentesis because we didn't feel like right now it provided any long term benefit for Myers for us to know sooner then birth the cause of his ventriculomegaly. We would decide on the MRI at our next appointment.

I went and got my blood drawn on the following Monday. The results would take 2-3 days but I would get them at our next appointment. That Friday, I called the dr's office and asked for the results. The counselor called me back just before 4 pm. The blood work tested for some kind of flu/virus that had a 3 letter name, toxioplasmosis (?) and one other thing. All of the blood work came back normal. I was so grateful because the infection cause seemed to have a lot of the less desired side effects. It helped us get through the weekend knowing.

I felt a little bit meh for the two weeks. It's hard to know what to wish for and pray for. I wished for a positive outcome. I researched. A part of me felt really selfish wishing that my child would be okay when so many other people continue to deal with this diagnosis each day.

I tried to be fair with myself with every article I read. I stayed away from baby chat rooms and looked for educational studies. Everything I could find had really good outcomes for kids with a number less than 12. I couldn't find a study with a child that matched Myers. It was frustrating. I needed to know what I was looking at, but I didn't find it. I looked at neurosurgeons, trying to decide from a picture and a brief history of education which one I wished would do the surgery. Which one would be best? I can tell you every provider our insurance covers for miles. Finally, I watched a shunt surgery. I don't know if I would recommend most parents watch it, but for me it was really helpful. I needed to see exactly what the surgery entailed. I didn't watch a home movie. I think I watched something from Harvard or somewhere equally noteworthy. It seemed to be prepared for medical students and the surgeon did a really good job explaining as he went through each step. Old Kalli could have watched it without flinching and would know it was a good thing. Mom Kalli got queasy twice. But, it was helpful. I am glad I was able to see it. It made me feel better about the whole thing.

I hurt for Myers. I hurt when I read side effects like feeling dizzy or headaches. I felt real pain when thinking that I couldn't make any of the symptoms go away. I felt sad not knowing what the right decision was with each test/ cause/ outcome. There were some decisions I was scared that I might have to make that I wasn't ready to make.

Case and I told our families and a couple of close friends. It's kind of hard to tell people when I don't exactly know what I'm trying to tell them. This could be really scary, but we don't really know yet. We may learn a little more, but not everything. I'm continually learning patience in this earthly life. I wish I would have read that manual in Heaven before making my way here.

Some days, I am completely okay. We've got this. No fear. And, other days, I'm mostly okay. But there will be a time during that day when I have to take a minute and completely lose it. I'm nervous. I don't like the unknown. I can't prepare for unknown. I guess in ways that's what all parenting is, Unknown. But, I'm better with knowing. I have rational thoughts and thoughts that are completely normal. One minute, I'm planning and deciding which next big purchase to make. The next, I'm thinking it would be best to pack up all his big clothes until he needs to wear them. And, 5 minutes later, I'm buying him a stuffed lion. He needs a lion. Every brave little boy only needs a lion and everything will be fine.

Case is a rock. And, he read that book on patience. There wasn't anything else we could do but be patient, but I just can't be putting up with that.

My sleep got worse as the appointment got closer. I thought I actually was handling things better than I was, but I completely stopped sleeping through most of the night. I would just lay in various rooms in the house and try to go to sleep. It got worse the closer we got to our next appointment.

Our families have been really awesome. My mom calls me no less than 3 times a day. She went grocery shopping for us. She stops at our house, makes a dinner and all I have to do is put it in the oven. She comes over every night that Casey has class to "decorate". She's not decorating. She's cleaning, and sitting at my kitchen table for hours so that I'm not alone. And, she'll talk. She'll talk when I'm scared. She'll talk when I'm fine. She always is, but really, she has been such a blessing. Casey's mom has brought us a cute treat once each week. We had a pizza in our fridge one weekend so we didn't drive out for Sunday dinner. We could stay home and sleep. (and we did) Countless numbers of people have told us that we are in their prayers and we have felt it. And, what we really needed we got. Two weeks went by really quickly. And, that was the biggest blessing. We were busy. We had tasks. We didn't have time to slow down and dwell. And, I'm so grateful for that.

We've appreciated other people's patience. Even if they didn't know why. We've been scattered. We've dropped the ball on commitments. We are only half focused in conversation or text. We'll be back to the real world now, and we're sorry we left you for a minute.

Numb -Ventriculomegaly Post 1

Numb.

Or, I wish I were.

Baby M has looked good at every ultrasound. Every. One.

At 20 weeks, we went over everything. Every piece of family history. The tech kept moving back to his head. I've asked at every appointment "is his head too big?". The answer is always no. Always. But this time, she stayed there. She kept looking.

When she was done, she told us to come back at 26 weeks just to be sure. He had a little bit more fluid in his ventricle then they like to see, but only a little. And, it might go away. So, they just wanted to double check.

We met with our Dr. after. He wasn't concerned. He looked again. If it were a huge deal, the tech would have called us in. In fact, he even told us to wait til 28 weeks so that the ultrasound corresponded with our already scheduled visit. So, we did. I analyzed the way people phrased things, exactly what they said. And, Casey. Casey doesn't panic. Ever.

At 24 weeks, our Dr. Very casually asked if we still had a follow up target ultrasound scheduled. He didn't sound concerned, but you don't ask that because you are making conversation. Casey shrugged because he must have just looked at our chart and was following up.

At our 28 week appointment, we had the same tech. (And, I love her too. She's so friendly and way smart) She made conversation. Maybe I wasn't supposed to notice how quickly his heart, legs, kidneys could all be checked and how often she went back to his head. It seemed like she spent less time then at 20 weeks on his head. Obviously, Myers cooperates with no one and wouldn't move for a better look or measurement of anything. His head still looked a little big, so she recommended a perinatalogist. Then at the end, she said that Dr. Davis needed to look and maybe he would be less concerned. Dr. Davis was at the hospital doing a delivery so we had already scheduled to see him the next day. Then, we went and did our glucose test. Yum.

The next morning, I got a call from the Dr's office. It was early. Dr. Davis had already looked at the ultrasound. They had already scheduled a follow up with the perinatalogist for 9 am the next day.

When I saw Dr. Davis later, he assured me they always get people in super quick so they don't panic. Which, obviously, I was already doing. It's just a precaution because of family history.

Friday morning, we spent plenty of time with another ultrasound tech in the new Dr's office at the hospital. Again, double check everything. Kidneys were good. Heart was good. She was amazing. She told us what measurements should be, and where we were at. Everything looked good. Except that one thing.

You have 4 ventricles in your brain. 2 lateral that can be seen, and 2 below that where the cerebral spinal fluid drains and continues on. Normal fluid is below 10, high is 10-12, above 15 would be a diagnosis of hydrocephalus. On one side the fluid measured 9.5. The other side measured 14. I'm so thankful she told us every measurement as she went. Of course, again, as always, Myers would not move his head for a better view and measurement. We went back to his head at the end and remeasured. I hoped maybe it was just a bad measurement. It was still 14. Then we went into a separate room to wait. We met our new Dr. (Now I guess we just have 2) and a genetic counselor.

They went over causes:

1. Infection
2. The tube draining from the ventricle wasn't anatomically big enough and would possibly require surgery.
3. It might just need to be monitored as he's growing. I can't exactly remember this one because it was obviously too positive and we didn't talk about it much. This is usually mild cases, 10-12, not 14. 
4. Genetic --but hydrocephaly is X linked so think that through. (Hint- are you sure it's X linked? Hypothesis much? )

Our options at this point were:

1. Monitor
2. Amniocentesis which may tell us the cause, but they still wouldn't do anything until after he's born
3. Blood work which may eliminate 1-2 causes but still wouldn't give a definite answer.
4. Fetal MRI

The outcomes will be unknown until after he is born. The positive includes some developmental delay, maybe surgery and continue on with raising our buddy. There are less ideal outcomes, but I think you can come to your own conclusions without me writing them. I'm not ready to acknowledge the existence of other outcomes yet. 

We were to report to the genetic counselor the next day what we chose to do and scheduled a return appointment for 2 weeks. Depending on measurements at the follow up, there was potential that we would deliver at the U so that we could be next door to Primary Children's, but we wouldn't decide on that until our next appointment and measurements.

8 weeks (Rewind- - 6/9/15)

Dear Baby H,

I sure love you. I'm excited for you to get here. I'm grateful to be sick because I know it means your in there. I know how many times I prayed. I said I would never complain because I knew what it was like to want you. However, I'd really like to no longer vomit and dry heave. I'm worried food will never taste good again.

I wish I knew what food you liked. We seem to add a new dislike on a pretty frequent basis. Those are:
- granola bars
- chicken
- pasta
- mac n' cheese t.v. dinner
- Applebee's
-Olive Garden
- mayo
- chicken salad sandwiches
- coke

To be fair, I was doing fantastic with no coke. Aunt Rae said it was all she could keep down so you better believe I tried it. You hate it.

You also hate water if I drink too much at once. I'm SO thirsty. Especially at night. I can't drink it. Bad things happen.

So far, my weight has fluctuated between the same poundage range it always does. We'll see. Dr. Davis' scale is less forgiving. We have have another appointment next week.

I can't wait to hear your heart beat again. I think Dad's pretty stoked too.

Love,
MOM

Little Red is FREE

We paid off the Mazda today!

I made Casey go IN to the bank with me. That's how excited I was. No one even congratulated us. What the heck, credit union?! Don't send me a satisfaction survey. No one offered to take a picture of us next to the car! But they sure do take a picture when you get a loan for 5 years on the freaking thing. Dave Ramsey would have a field day with that comparison! Whatever, i'll take a freaking selfie.

Moving on.

1 year and 3 months early!

Impressed? My original goal was to pay it off in 2 and a half years, but whatever. Early is early and a win in my book. I love, love, love reading other people's tips even though some of them don't work for me. So, here are ours.

How did we do it?

1. When I first bought the car, my payment was low enough for me to handle. I definitely didn't get in over my head. I liked having a payment I could afford. There was never a month where I was scared I couldn't make my payment.
2. I made sure I could pay extra on my loan. Read the fine print, did you know on some loans that comes with fees?! Make sure you check!
3. Round up. Most car  payments are a random amount "$208.75". I picked a number, still within my budget, and told myself it was my car payment. $220 was the number I picked and I NEVER paid below that because that number was my car payment in my mind. Usually, I paid well over that $220, but that was my number that I never went below. Every penny counts.
4. Our budget is loose. So, we budget more money for things like lunches out. If ever I bought pizza on my debit card and a friend paid me for half, the money they paid me back went towards a car payment instead of back into the checking account.
5. Sometimes I use my debit card for work. (It's often, I am horribly impatient when it comes to waiting for someone else to finish with the company card). When I get reimbursed, that money doesn't go back into checking. We already account for it being "gone" so I make a car payment.
Disclaimer: Case loathes that I do this step and it 100% ruins budgets, but whatev, it's what I'm into.
6. This one is random, and not really a step or tip, but one month the bank teller applied the truck, car payment, and the "extra" that I was paying all on the car. It sucked  when I had to make another truck payment but it's awesome now.

I realize some of my tips are not realistic for all. They also prove that we need to get better at budgeting, but I'm so excited to have a free car! I know, I know it's still not free, but I'm calling it that and it rocks.
Now, to start shopping for my SUV.

Kidding, kidding. We may like this one vehicle payment life. Now cross your fingers that no vehicles break!

PS-- We are debt snowballing. I super love Dave Ramsey and Casey loves excel. If you're into tips and tricks like this, let me know in the comments. I'll talk money with you all day long. Make it rain!