100

Myers,

It's the last triple digit day of counting down until you come. Some days, I want all 100 of those days and maybe a few extra. Other days, like today, I wish it were tomorrow. I miss you. I don't know how its possible but I do. I don't know what we did without you for so long. I'm excited to watch you grow. I have a hard time remembering that you are going to start so tiny. I feel like I can remember you as a little boy. I can't wait for all of the adventures we will go on. 

Papa is looking forward to your first ride on a horse. I think that's going to happen a lot sooner than Mom wants. I'll make sure you are bundled up, but it's not Papa's fault you decided to come in the middle of winter. 

Gammie has bought you enough stuff for you and 3 brothers. She's even helped paint your room! She's mostly looking foward to setting up your crib. 

Aunt Madison, it's safe to say she likes you. She checks in a lot. Mostly, I think she can't wait to babysit. I hope I at least get to hold you for an hour first. 

Grandma Holmes can't believe you are a boy. Another boy! I can't either. Please don't break any bones before age 5. Please be careful! 

Grams and Gramps Holmes think you look like your dad. I hope you get his curly hair and blue eyes. I think it's a long shot, but maybe grow a little bit of hair before you come? They've come over lots to help mow the lawn, tape floors, paint, whatever. You are a pretty lucky boy. 

Aunt Erica and Ash have picked out and bought enough clothes for your first year. I think Erica is a preferred customer at Nordy's. 

Aunt Corie bought you a Cubs outfit. We'll just keep it our secret that you are a Royals boy through and through. 

Gran is working hard on all your bedding, and I think she'd like you to send a sister next, but I think she's pretty happy about a little cowboy. 

Your dad, is in a calm state of panic. I've given him a few things to pick out- stroller and monitor. I better not give him anymore. He's making sure it's only the best, it's a good deal, and it's functional. He's pulling lots of late nights, early mornings, and weekends, in your nursery. His favorite part might be your closet shelves. And, he's really glad your room isn't purple anymore. 

Basin and Alf know you are there, and definitely know something is awry at the house. There is a lot of commotion. They like to lay by you in my belly.  

One last request, keep growing. I know food isn't totally your thing, but at a pound and a half you aren't quite fitting into your clothes yet. And, your dad is 6 foot. I did not waste money on newborn clothes. 

I love you. 

Love, 

Mom

Creep Clothes, baby style

Okay, maybe I'm just not in tune with vomit inducing levels of cute. We need to address a concern.

I'm in Carter's (and TJ and Gap) searching for a baby gift. It was for my boss. So, super cute obvi. People need to know I'm not a style prude, but also normal.

My options:
- super darling outfit with bicycles. And, a onesie "auntie's favorite". Yep, not your kids aunt. That just made it weird.
- a juicy couture one piece with "juicy" across the bib.... didn't juicy couture go out of style with words on the ass sweatpants? Not buying that. Just no.
- the cutest flamingo print dress. And, a onesie "daddy's sunshine" uum, no. Why? Seriously, why? Why does it have to say anything. You either pushed the kid out, or watched it get pushed. We get it. You like your kid. But, weird. Where is the "you are the boss. Here's a cute gift. Let's have some personal boundaries gift" And THAT  is saying something because I love learning, knowing and caring about people and their life happiness but it's just too far.

In conclusion, I would like to thank The Gap for the freaking adorable denim dress, stripe sweater and matching tights. On sale, cute, not weird, and no reference to family ties. Gap is clutch. Now, can I have a discount for the brand thumbs up?

The Clo Clo Monster

TMI so don't let it phase you. You were warned.

So, the most wonderful, dreamy, helpful doctor (not an exageration. I love him and I honestly think he is a gem. Call me, i'll refer you) decided that I should try out clomid. Not for long, only a few cycles. I am NOT an expert, and I won't pretend to be someone that took a high dose for an extended period of time. I have friends that did, and they are my heros. I will let you know how my few cycles went.

I believe that everyone has an opinion. 

Clomid has made many people pregnant and I think it can be a great option. If you are thinking about it I recommend that you pray. Get answers. Is it the right time? The right thing? If it is then med up, but if not, that's okay too.

Here's my top 10. 

And, it is so okay to laugh, because let's be honest, some of these will make you roll.

1. Before taking clomid, I had to have a blood pregnancy test (I know it's for safety and they HAVE to make sure, but come on. Salt that a little more). The nurse called me several days later to let me know I was not pregnant and could begin clomid. I was pretty nervous on the phone and responded, "okay, so I can start taking the chlamidia now?... i mean, uh.." The nurse politely contained her laughter, but you know she went and double checked my chart after to ensure I didn't have the clap. To be clear, I didn't and never have, but I was so nervous and I had just had a conversation about the other C word and it was the C word in my head.

2. My favorite word is the F word. It was in my head ALL day long. I know it's not okay, I know I can't say that. I was worried that if the doctor increased my dose, I'd start dropping it on everyone at work. And that's frowned upon.

3. I didn't feel in control of myself. I felt "off". I knew when I was being ridiculous but I would feel that whatever I was being ridiculous about was so important.

4. Life is better with your office door shut.
5. Life on clomid is better when you get eyelash extensions. It just is.

Sidenote: my eyelashes are amazing, but fell off quicker if I was on the clo the week I got them done. It happened twice, so that's fact based. And, I have the best lash artist in all of Utah, they never fall off. Ever. Except on those weeks. And, it was only if they were brand new that week. What the hormone?!

6. Laughing while crying. That's when you know Clomid has made you bat shit crazy.

7. Gain 3 pounds, lose 3 pounds. In a matter of hours. "I have nothing that fits" was a struggle and I swear I look lile a bloated balloon in our anniversary trip pictures. 

8. I'm grateful that we tried. We almost didn't. But then I would have wondered if we should have. It didn't work, but what if it had. And, I didn't take it because I felt crazy. A baby is worth the crazy. 

9. I fell in love with Casey that much more. He is the most patient person. He gets a look and knows it's time to walk away, or leave wherever we were. He took care of extra chores or planned dates. (Oddly enough, I still liked him) 

9a. (Because I have more) knocking is a priority. DO NOT come to my home unannounced. We are on a very strict schedule at the Holmes house. (Note- the new med allow for visitors more frequently. But still, expensive strict schedule over here.) I realize it sounds rude, but my goodness it is science. And, we follow it.

10. The weight loss after clomid. Uum, yeah, I've lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks (granted I'm also changing my diet. But good sweet mama, I feel like a $20 dollah bill over here. )

Overall, I wish it would have worked. But, I wish it could have worked like the discovery channel too. (Excuse that vulgar reference. I'm funny not on medication too). I know we will have 15 babies exactly when we should. Until then, we'll try to be positive or we may just shut ourselves in doors for the day. 

I'm sad clomid didn't work for us. I absolutely would do it for 20 more cycles if it would work. My doctor didn't think it would for us. So, we are on to new things. Good luck to any of you that may still be taking clomid! I'm sorry if you have to do 1 cycle or 13 or 25. They all suck because this sucks. There will be a great reward at the end. 

Xo

Weekly Goals: March 29 - April 4

Goals are late this week. I have them already but I haven't made myself accountable to you yet so here we go. 

These are last week's goals that I passed off. I'll still work on them, but they aren't formal goals for this week.

1. Continue with no coke! I have had a sip or two of Casey's but that is it. I am really pleased with myself!
5. Log food daily on myfitnesspal.

These are the ones I have to keep working on...

2. Slow down with Sprite.
3. Don't stress what I can't fix.
4. Get 10,000 for 4 days on the fitbit.
6. Work out 3x per week.
7. Take a home lunch 3 days a week.

I won't make excuses, I didn't apply myself. However, I plan on doing a better job for the latter half of this week. Without further adu, this week's complete list of goals.

1. Slow down on Sprite.
2. Increase water intake. 24 Oz per day. I know I can make this happen. I just need to pay attention and do it. (This goal will probably stay awhile because I'm trying to increase my H20.)
3. Get 10,000 steps for 4 days on fitbit. I haven't done it yet this week so I need to for the next 4 days! Here we go!
4. Work out 3x per week. Guys, I need help. I NEED ideas. I'm bombing this goal. 5. Take a home lunch 3x this week. So far, I have not accomplished any this week. However, Monday I was at a training so lunch was provided and Tuesday my pregnant friend wanted to eat out. I can't argue that.
6. Don't stress what I can't fix. I really, really want to focus on this one. The thought of my stress level makes me stressed. And, I really need to not be stressed. I'll do a whole post on stress someday.
7. Read scriptures or a conference talk each day to prepare spiritually for General Conference. GC is sweet, you can watch too {lds.org}

Good luck with your goals, gems. 

Xoxo

Family

Tonight, I had the opportunity to watch the General Women's Meeting of the church.

Before watching, the young women and leaders were given a packet to write on filled withvarious speakers names and pictures . We could write what we learned or we could write down questions before the conference began and search for those answers. (It is a personal progress pass off)

I wrote down my questions, and began to watch. I have been open with the fact that I often feel like I don't hear what I am supposed to, I don't slow down enough to catch those little promptings. I get nervous that I can't hear the still small voice over my thundering opinion in my brain.

Within a matter of minutes, my questions were directed. Not answered in a simple "yes" or "no" but more of a reminder that my prayers are heard. Everything will happen as it is supposed to. And I am not as far off the path of hearing the Holy Ghost as I sometimes think I am. Everything will happen just as it is supposed to, and in HIS time. Not mine. 

Sister Cheryl Esplin spoke of her ancestor Elizabeth Staley Walker (?), "do not bury your testimony in the ground." So, even though it might still be growing, I know that Heavenly Father hears my prayers. He hears your prayers. Do not feel guilty when you ask questions in your prayers. Your prayers are no less important than another person and your Heavenly Father wants to know your thoughts, dreams, and goals. Heavenly Father is always there waiting for you to reach out and develop your relationship with him. Grasp that relationship. Become a better person each day through the strength the He gives you. I am not perfect. Heavenly Father knows that. He loves me anyways. And, he loves you. All of us.

Sister Carole M. Stephens spoke of trials. We are not all going through the same thing. Some of us may have a divorce, feel abandoned, or have lost a child. I can't say that I know how that feels. I don't even think I can say that I know what it feels like to struggle with infertility, because there are those that have struggled for far longer than I. We are here to unite and support one another. Help others who may be going through something, remind them that they are loved. They are special. My favorite line from her talk was "your sphere of influence is large." Think of everyone's life and how you could make a difference if you realize that you could show others the Light of Christ in you. Think of all the lives you could change and the people you could impact. Isn't that an amazing thought?

There were several songs and slideshows  during the conference. Every family is different. No family is less important because it has no kids, or because a person is single. Or aged. Or anything. All families are special. I cried with the couple that has faced infertility for 5 years, I've cried for friends, and friends of friends. I want them all to have a softball team of babies. And, I pray for them. I hope that couple feels those prayers. And, I hope their family grows in whatever way the Lord has in store for them. I wanted to hug the wife in that video. I want her to know that I will pray with her. I want her to know that I appreciated her testimony and example.

I've often heard the story that if all the trials in the world were placed in a pile and we were able to choose what we would be faced with, we would keep our own trials. I think of my mom, I think of all the moms who have lost a child. I think they were strong and brave. And, I think they took something that they knew the rest of us were unable to handle. I think of those with no food to eat, and wonder if I was selfish to have taken this life and made them live a life so much harder. I hope that if we chose our trials that I took something so that someone else wouldn't have to. I hope that through the bad days, I can be an example to others, that together we can lift one another up and get through the tougher times.

President Henry Eyring spoke last. Whilst I can mourn with those who mourn there is only one person who truly knows how their pain feels. The Holy Ghost can and will comfort you. Allow yourself to feel that comfort and know that you are loved. 
I know that Heavenly Father has a prophet on the Earth today. I know our spiritual leaders can provide us guidance. I know that there IS modern day revelation. I know Heavenly Father communicates to each of us in many different ways. I know one of them is through General Conference and through the prophet and apostles. I know Heavenly Father has a special, and probably very different, message for each of us. I know if we take the time, and really listen, we can hear exactly what we need to hear.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to listen to conference next week. I know it provides me with blessings and answers. I know I can feel my Father's love. I know I have been extremely blessed. Everyday. And, I hope that through my gifts, talents, and blessings that I can share that love with others because everyone should know how loved they are.

**for those of you anxiously waiting, goals will be up tomorrow**

Birthdays from Heaven

Once each year, we send balloons into the sky for the sister I never knew here in this life. If I pick the balloons they are usually light pink and some other "girl" color. Last year, I think I finally asked my mom if she had a favorite color. I think the answer was blue or yellow. I, selfishly, didn't remember and it was a variation of baby pink again this year.

My sister would have been 32 this year. I don't know what birthdays are like when you are 32. They should be more mature. Therefore, I bought my mom light pink and gold balloons this year. I really wanted to get the neon pink, it was a birthday after all. For some reason, I had a hard time escaping the baby pink. I wonder if I will always picture my older sister as smaller, because that's the only her that this life knows.

Some people say it's weird to celebrate a birthday from Heaven. I promise you, it's not. It's better. No one in my family forgets March 23. We just don't.  As a kid, I don't  remember what I would say. I still don't always say the right thing. Some years, I ask questions about her. Some years, I just say a simple "happy birthday" to my mom. Some years, we send flowers. This year we didn't. Some years, we just have dinner at home. This year we went out to dinner with my parents. Some years, we make cupcakes. Others, we don't. There usually isn't the birthday song or presents. But March 23 has a presence.

It's a reminder, and a not so subtle one, that this Earth isn't perfect. What is perfect is what we have been promised if we follow our Heavenly Father's plan for this life.  I KNOW that I will see my sister again, I KNOW I will remember her, I KNOW that I knew her before, in Heaven. I KNOW she knew the plan before coming to this earth. I KNOW she knew her life would be hard, and I KNOW she accepted the task. I KNOW she isn't in pain in Heaven. I KNOW she is happy. I KNOW there is a reason she couldn't stay and be a big sister, I KNOW there is something so important there that she had to do instead. 

And, I know before this life, my mom knew she would only get her for a short time. I know she accepted that and whatever pain it would bring, because she knew the bigger plan for her. And, she must have such an important plan to only need a physical body for a short time. I know that my mom had a really hard time. I've asked. I don't think it gets easier. I don't think the sadness ever leaves. I think one just learns to live being that sad. I also know that my mom didn't give up. She kept going, which was the plan also. Most days, probably not because she wanted to. We have been promised we will see our sister again. How sad I will be when it is my sister's turn to have our mom again. (And, Im grateful she is still letting me keep her for A LOT more time)

I know in Heaven we were asked if this would be our families plan. If we could do this trial. We all said yes. Then I'm sure my mom and sister were taken aside and asked if they really could do this. Because being a mom is something more sacred than all else. And, if the world were perfect that would never be taken away. I know they said yes. I know when we get the Heaven there will be a special club of the most elite mothers that have lost a baby. I know it's a club that none of them are glad they are in. But those are the strong women that have handled the hardship so gracefully. They have been an example to everyone around them. They have the spirit of Christ in them. I am so thankful that one of them is my mom. She has been the best example of Christ's love for my whole life.  And, I could not be who I am without her raising me like she did.

I can't wait for the day when we all be together in Heaven. Sitting as a family in the living room, telling stories and laughing. Heaven has living rooms, right?  I know she will tell us the amazing things she accomplished. I know we will all be so proud. And, I can't wait for one million hugs. I can't wait to remember my sister again.

Weekly Goals: March 22- March 28

Alright, who remembers the weekly goals? It's time to jump back on the bandwagon and make things happen.

If you don't remember how it works, read up, {here}.

And, don't forget to tell leave a comment with your own goals below. 
Accountability is half the battle, do yourself a favor. 

Mine are :

1. CONTINUE with no coke! (That's right, I said it, continue. I haven't had a coke in probably 2 weeks. It's working.)
2. Slow down with Sprite. I replaced coke with sprite. I'm doing better at home, but when go out or work is rough, I drink a sprite (or a dr. Pepper). It's better, but it's time to be the best. I don't want to waste my precious calories on liquids. I'm also not trying to stop all together. My meds be makin me dizzy and sometimes sprite helps.
3. Don't stress what I can't fix. EVERYTHING hurts my feelings and adds stress. If I can't change it, then this is the week I stop worrying about it.
4. Work out 3 times this week.
5. Get 10,000 steps at least 4 days this week.
6. Log food on myfitnesspal every day. Be within my calories 5 out of 7 days. This current week was 3 days out of 7. (Add me-- my username is kallifornia27)
7. Eat a home lunch 3 days this week.  

There you have it. I have 7 goals because 1. I like odd numbers 2. I really like the number 7 and 3. I don't  actually like the number 5. You can have as many or as few goals as you choose. Remember the rules, if you don't complete a goal it stays on the chart for the next week!

Also, if you look today, my goals all relate to physical fitness. That's not true of my goals everytime. Last time, my goals were all financial. It's what you choose, what will make you feel better, more accomplished, more improved.

We've got this!