I'm going to be super personal. It needs to come out. Other people sharing helps me, and makes me feel empowered and like I have choices and options. So feel free to not read if that makes you feel uncomf.
Case and I got married and never really prevented having a baby. But, we also didnt try. After a few months, I started ovulation tests and we still weren't pregnant. I know that it can take time so we didn't feel super frustrated. It was a complete guessing game though and we went through tons of ovulation tests.
I went to my doctor after 6 months, because 1. Something was wrong. It had been months since I'd had a cycle. 2. Because it was freaking weird.
The doctor said to try for 6 more months. I felt better knowing she wasn't at all concerned, but looking back I should have stood up for myself a bit more. I didn't go to her because I felt frustrated after a short time, I went because what was happening wasn't normal. It's okay that I wasn't pregnant after only 6 months, but being regular would be nice. Knowing if something was wrong would have been nice.
6 months later, I decided to try a new doctor. I love love love him. He ran some blood work, it was fine. And, he started me on clomid. If it didn't work after a few cycles, we would develop a new plan. I love that he had a plan. He made me feel so comfortable and so at ease.
After the appointment, I began to read up on clomid. I felt uneasy, really uneasy. And, in one week we changed our mind 3 times on whether or not to try it. I'm okay with the fact that we did. I have nothing against clomid and I think it is a huge blessing for many people, but it never felt right. It felt like a step we had to take to get to the next step.
And, it made me crazy. I was on a super low dose. It was a me problem, but the "f" word was ALWAYS in my head. And, not in a "lets go do that" kind of way. In an "i loathe you" way.
I went to the dr. Again, changing up the plan. And, I feel okay about it which is good.
I feel bad talking about not liking medication when it can be such a blessing. I also feel bad because I know there are so many who are on crazy high doses. Or cant have children. I feel like i'm fighting time. I don't want to be 80 when my kids graduate. Am I going to have enough time to have them all? (I sound like I want 20). I feel ungrateful for modern medicine and the time it takes, but I really am grateful and I know there are others who had and have to work so much harder. I don't want to sound like a brat, but it does suck 2 months in, and 8 months in, and 2 years in. It all sucks. And, it's okay to admit that. I realize I'm blessed that we haven't had to do this as long as some, and I will always have those people in my prayers. It can still suck, even if you don't have to try as long.
And, I don't have to physically give birth to my children. I would be so thrilled with adoption. I know however our baby comes to us will be the right way.
I just don't feel like there has been a voice or a feeling saying "do this". I think there are times when God just lets you decide and any possibility is okay, and that's a great thing. It means the path we are on is okay. Sometimes it would just be nice to have a huge book that is how my life is supposed to go so I could make sure I did it right (sometimes agency and I have some different opinions).
Case is a spiritual giant and absolutely nothing stresses him because he has faith. He knows it will happen exactly when it is supposed to, and don't get me wrong, I realize that. I just would like a formal life outline as well. : )
I know our babies will come exactly when they are supposed to. I may not know why they had to come at exactly that time and not a few months earlier. But, Heavenly Father knows. That reason is a perfect reason. Maybe my baby needs to be a year younger in school to help a friend, maybe I need to learn more patience, maybe we aren't quite as ready for a baby as we think we are. I don't get to know that answer right now. But I know the blessings come. I know if I do the things I am supposed to that Heavenly Father has promised me the things I want most in this life.
I'm so grateful for priesthood blessings so that on the days that I forget I can have a reminder that this is all a part of His timing, the right timing. I don't need to stress or worry because it is already decided.
And, how grateful am I that all of my future babies are up in Heaven with all their grandparents learning about our family and choosing to come to us. How thankful I am for a husband that is patient, and helpful, and loving. How thankful I am that I am shown often what an amazing dad he will be.
His timing is perfect. And, I'm never waiting without His comfort.
