The "regular" doctor

We had an appointment with our OB last week. I don't know what I wanted to gain from the appointment. I'm grateful we had it, because it meant he was still our doctor. It meant we didn't need to deliver at the U. It meant we didn't need to be next door to the surgeon. I don't know what I wanted it to be, I don't know if it gave me every piece of knowledge I needed to tide me over. I just know that we had it and it was fine. And, fine is fine. No one can complain about fine.

Casey and I met at the doctors office as usual. Our doctor was on time as per usual. I peed in a cup as per usual. I stood on the scale. I had my blood pressure checked. Before the appointment I said, I want him to measure his head and I don't want him to measure his head.

I wanted him to, because I wanted a 12. I needed to hear the reassurance from someone else that we had a good measurement. I didn't want him to because I didn't want any other number and I don't know what I would do waiting for the next appointment with another number in my head.

I didn't want him to because I wanted him to be confident that it's an unnecessary measurement. And, I don't know if I want to know.

First, I said I would ask him to. Then I decided I wouldn't. Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't change how much I love him. It won't change my prayer. It won't change God's plan. And, it won't change my thoughts every minute from now until he's born.

He didn't measure, and I didn't ask.

We did get an ultrasound. His heart looks good. His head measures fine. He didn't measure ventricles. Myers had his hand in front of his face. I'm not supposed to say this, but the picture we got makes him look like a frog. Casey disagrees and doesn't think I should say my kid looks like a frog. It's just because his hand is moving in front of him.

Our doctor asked how the specialist went. We told him we've been twice. He was satisfied with the "mild" diagnosis. Casey mentioned he liked our second appointment better than our first. He said it in a very polite way. He asked if we had any questions. We have none. I have had questions at every appointment. Silly things, important things. I had a list for the specialist. But at this appointment, I had none. I don't care whether or not I have him completely natural. I don't care if I have to be started or if I have a c-section. It's all just a process to get him here. And, I don't care anymore. I just want him to get here.

It was a fine appointment. It was a normal appointment. It was enough to tide me over. It just wasn't enough to tide me over for long enough. Our next appointment with the specialist is weeks away. I'm grateful they were confident enough to schedule it out that far. The anticipation just builds. I'm not counting down for Thanksgiving or until when Granny comes again. I'm only counting down to that appointment. I'll have another "normal" appointment before then to tide me over, I guess. But I only want this appointment. If they can tell me 12 again, I'd like to say I'll be fine the rest of the time. I'll be patient until he comes. But, that would be a lie. I'll want to know everyday until he comes. I'll want to know again once he comes. But for now, I'm going to try to be good with fine. I'm going to remember that I have no control. I'll remember how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I'll know how much he loves Myers. And, I'll know that every time I get nervous or need a number He is there. And, fine is the perfect answer. I'll be more than grateful for fine appointments. And, I'll prepare for this perfect little boy.

He {Rewind}

We found out we were having a boy on July 22. Neither of us cared (seriously, a whole freaking baseball team could come out and we'd be thrilled) but I felt like it was a girl. I didn't want a girl more, I just felt it was a girl. Maybe because I in-visioned us having a girl, we had the perfect January baby name for a girl. I don't know. If it was twins, I totally would have said boys. The kids I'd imagined were always  boys if they were twins and first. Moving on.

I told our doctor we would not tell people unless he was 95% sure. The good doctor Isn't a Vegas man and I don't think he wanted to see me at 20 weeks mad so he gave us 80%. However, you can deny that something maybe isn't there yet, but there is no argument to "it's a boy and that's not the umbilical cord". I promised we still wouldn't tell, and we still wouldn't paint the nursery.

It's still sinking in. I don't know boy babies. That's a lot of pressure. That's a lot of decision making right when it comes out. A lot.

I bought him some clothes and told Granny. (She's like Case. She's a vault.)

I love other people's little boys. I've never been around a boy for that long. They get hurt, they break appendages. They like bugs. They play sports for crying out loud.

I thought about what I would do when his feelings were hurt. How I would feel when he gets called out on first base. It makes my soul sad. What if he gets his feelings hurt or has a hard time making friends. What if I can't teach him the Christ like love he'll need to draw others closet to his Heavenly Father. What if he never feels the spirit guiding him to do something for someone else. What if he doesn't know compassion because I couldn't teach him?

It was then I realized, I'm not the mom of a boy. This wasn't about me. This was about something bigger. I may not be the mom of a boy, but Casey is a dad of a boy. Casey is the dad of this boy. And, that is exactly as it was intended.

Casey is the dad that plays ball in the yard. Case is the dad making sure someone other than Mom earned the boy scout merit badges. Casey is the dad that honors his Priesthood. Casey will show him how to treat girls, and his future wife. Casey will prepare him to serve a mission. Casey will know how it feels the first time you give someone else a blessing. I love that this little boy can experience the blessings of feeling the priesthood in our home. I love that he will always know how much his dad loves him. We prayed for him. Often. He will know and witness his dad do all things with a greater faith.  And, I am so lucky to get to watch it all.

He's a boy. And, we're in love.

Appointment 2- Ventriculomegaly Post 3

Friday finally came.

Finally.

Our appointment wasn't until 11:30. That is SO late. We both stayed home. I'd like to say we got a lot accomplished, but we just kind of sat there. We pulled in to the hospital parking lot and I realized I forgot my notebook with 2 weeks of questions that I needed answers to. I was so mad. I sat all morning and couldn't remember my trusted notebook. oh well.

I asked Case what he hoped for. I said I prayed for a "12". But then I felt greedy. So, maybe a 13. I wanted a 12 because a diagnosis went from moderate to mild. And, mild had some really good outcomes. But, praying for a 12 was like asking for too much, getting my hopes up too high. Casey said he just wanted the number to be lower. 

We went back with our ultrasound tech and a student from WSU sat in the room as well. I really appreciate the honesty of the techs and the doctors. Don't sugar coat it and tell me scientific answers. That's what helps me. I want numbers. I want real answers.

Myers had his head down. Always. And, he doesn't move. Cute stubborn kid, that one. She tried to measure his head for awhile. Gave up, and came back to it later. His left side is enlarged. And, it's always mostly blocked. His right ventricle measured 8.5. Lower. We were so excited. Or, a normal amount of excited. It's hard to judge excitement when you don't really know what's next. His left side measured 18. She told us she didn't think it was a good measurement and needed to go back, but 18 gets stuck in your head really easy. I'm not really sure what an appropriate response is whilst lying supine on a table with jelly on your belly. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be done. I didn't want to bawl like a crazy, but like there were a few tears. ya know? Every time they measure his head, they try to go somewhere else and tell us something really positive. His femur length was good, which is a good sign actually because that can indicate some other abnormalities. They would point out his cute little lips and note that he doesn't have a cleft palette. His heart looks amazing. In fact, they watched that forever because it's just so perfect. He has plenty of fluid around him. The placenta looks good. It's all good. So, why is there this one thing? We went back to his head. She measured again between a 14-15. That was similar to before and with Myers growing, it's okay for the number to have not shrunk. She was going to show our doctor the images and send the doctor in. Our normal doctor (our normal perinatalogist) was out and his partner would be looking over the images today. She asked if her student could practice ultrasound while she was gone. She also gave us a token souvenir of Myers, and his hand in front of his face. Always. It's actually really cute. And, it's really nice of them to do that.

The student scanned for freaking FOREVER. Oh, I was so done. But I didn't want to be rude. Education is important and it's not like we could do anything while waiting anyways. But oh my gosh. It was like an hour by the time both had scanned. She was so nice and kept asking if I was doing okay. Really. I sound like a brat. But she was nice.

The doctor came in, introduced herself and reported that she wanted to scan. She wanted to do her own because she felt like she could do better. She wanted the ventricle measured more towards the back and all of the ones up to this point were in the middle. She showed us where she was measuring on the right ventricle and explained why she felt it was a better representation of what was really going on. Then she went over to the left ventricle where she showed why it was so hard for the techs to get a good measurement because of where he was laying and where she planned to measure. Bless her amazing, wonderful, intelligent soul. She measured him at a 12.2.

12.2

Do you know where that is? That's almost MILD.

MILD.

So, before, Myers was in the moderate category. 1 number away from severe. Now, he's just shy of that mild category. It's like a whole new world over here.

With a mild diagnosis:
- 90% of children develop normally. They achieve milestones on time. They score similar to peers on academic testing.
- He will still have an increased chance of having Down Syndrome. The percentage goes up to about 10%. About half of that percentage of kids actually have it. The only way to tell is to do an amniocentesis. We aren't doing it.
- He might get a low enough measurement while still in utero. It may go down shortly after he's born. 

To put it into perspective, I have no sadness or fear of this outcome. With a moderate diagnosis, I was talking about my child having brain surgery right away. They talked about him being still born. It's completely different.

Our second doctor, or the one that day, doesn't want to see us again for 4 weeks. Peace out! I am completely happy not walking back into that office for 4 more weeks. We've got this. Am I still nervous? Absolutely. The fluid filled space could still grow. We could quickly end up back in the moderate or severe category. But most kids, you would never even know. And, I'm so good with that answer.

Myers will be exactly who he and his Heavenly Father have already decided he is supposed to be. And, I'm so good with whatever answer that is. We absolutely love him. We are grateful for such amazing doctors and techs that have measured and watched him. We are so thankful that they will continue to watch him. Mostly, we're happy that he's ours and can't wait to meet him.

We really can't thank all of our family and friends for the millions of prayers. 

2 Weeks - Ventriculomegaly Post 2

If you haven't read the first post, maybe do that now. It was just long so I broke it into pieces. I still will post them at the same time, because waiting is one of life's cruelest tricks.

Casey and I decided we would go ahead and do blood work to check for infection. We would hold off on an amniocentesis because we didn't feel like right now it provided any long term benefit for Myers for us to know sooner then birth the cause of his ventriculomegaly. We would decide on the MRI at our next appointment.

I went and got my blood drawn on the following Monday. The results would take 2-3 days but I would get them at our next appointment. That Friday, I called the dr's office and asked for the results. The counselor called me back just before 4 pm. The blood work tested for some kind of flu/virus that had a 3 letter name, toxioplasmosis (?) and one other thing. All of the blood work came back normal. I was so grateful because the infection cause seemed to have a lot of the less desired side effects. It helped us get through the weekend knowing.

I felt a little bit meh for the two weeks. It's hard to know what to wish for and pray for. I wished for a positive outcome. I researched. A part of me felt really selfish wishing that my child would be okay when so many other people continue to deal with this diagnosis each day.

I tried to be fair with myself with every article I read. I stayed away from baby chat rooms and looked for educational studies. Everything I could find had really good outcomes for kids with a number less than 12. I couldn't find a study with a child that matched Myers. It was frustrating. I needed to know what I was looking at, but I didn't find it. I looked at neurosurgeons, trying to decide from a picture and a brief history of education which one I wished would do the surgery. Which one would be best? I can tell you every provider our insurance covers for miles. Finally, I watched a shunt surgery. I don't know if I would recommend most parents watch it, but for me it was really helpful. I needed to see exactly what the surgery entailed. I didn't watch a home movie. I think I watched something from Harvard or somewhere equally noteworthy. It seemed to be prepared for medical students and the surgeon did a really good job explaining as he went through each step. Old Kalli could have watched it without flinching and would know it was a good thing. Mom Kalli got queasy twice. But, it was helpful. I am glad I was able to see it. It made me feel better about the whole thing.

I hurt for Myers. I hurt when I read side effects like feeling dizzy or headaches. I felt real pain when thinking that I couldn't make any of the symptoms go away. I felt sad not knowing what the right decision was with each test/ cause/ outcome. There were some decisions I was scared that I might have to make that I wasn't ready to make.

Case and I told our families and a couple of close friends. It's kind of hard to tell people when I don't exactly know what I'm trying to tell them. This could be really scary, but we don't really know yet. We may learn a little more, but not everything. I'm continually learning patience in this earthly life. I wish I would have read that manual in Heaven before making my way here.

Some days, I am completely okay. We've got this. No fear. And, other days, I'm mostly okay. But there will be a time during that day when I have to take a minute and completely lose it. I'm nervous. I don't like the unknown. I can't prepare for unknown. I guess in ways that's what all parenting is, Unknown. But, I'm better with knowing. I have rational thoughts and thoughts that are completely normal. One minute, I'm planning and deciding which next big purchase to make. The next, I'm thinking it would be best to pack up all his big clothes until he needs to wear them. And, 5 minutes later, I'm buying him a stuffed lion. He needs a lion. Every brave little boy only needs a lion and everything will be fine.

Case is a rock. And, he read that book on patience. There wasn't anything else we could do but be patient, but I just can't be putting up with that.

My sleep got worse as the appointment got closer. I thought I actually was handling things better than I was, but I completely stopped sleeping through most of the night. I would just lay in various rooms in the house and try to go to sleep. It got worse the closer we got to our next appointment.

Our families have been really awesome. My mom calls me no less than 3 times a day. She went grocery shopping for us. She stops at our house, makes a dinner and all I have to do is put it in the oven. She comes over every night that Casey has class to "decorate". She's not decorating. She's cleaning, and sitting at my kitchen table for hours so that I'm not alone. And, she'll talk. She'll talk when I'm scared. She'll talk when I'm fine. She always is, but really, she has been such a blessing. Casey's mom has brought us a cute treat once each week. We had a pizza in our fridge one weekend so we didn't drive out for Sunday dinner. We could stay home and sleep. (and we did) Countless numbers of people have told us that we are in their prayers and we have felt it. And, what we really needed we got. Two weeks went by really quickly. And, that was the biggest blessing. We were busy. We had tasks. We didn't have time to slow down and dwell. And, I'm so grateful for that.

We've appreciated other people's patience. Even if they didn't know why. We've been scattered. We've dropped the ball on commitments. We are only half focused in conversation or text. We'll be back to the real world now, and we're sorry we left you for a minute.

Numb -Ventriculomegaly Post 1

Numb.

Or, I wish I were.

Baby M has looked good at every ultrasound. Every. One.

At 20 weeks, we went over everything. Every piece of family history. The tech kept moving back to his head. I've asked at every appointment "is his head too big?". The answer is always no. Always. But this time, she stayed there. She kept looking.

When she was done, she told us to come back at 26 weeks just to be sure. He had a little bit more fluid in his ventricle then they like to see, but only a little. And, it might go away. So, they just wanted to double check.

We met with our Dr. after. He wasn't concerned. He looked again. If it were a huge deal, the tech would have called us in. In fact, he even told us to wait til 28 weeks so that the ultrasound corresponded with our already scheduled visit. So, we did. I analyzed the way people phrased things, exactly what they said. And, Casey. Casey doesn't panic. Ever.

At 24 weeks, our Dr. Very casually asked if we still had a follow up target ultrasound scheduled. He didn't sound concerned, but you don't ask that because you are making conversation. Casey shrugged because he must have just looked at our chart and was following up.

At our 28 week appointment, we had the same tech. (And, I love her too. She's so friendly and way smart) She made conversation. Maybe I wasn't supposed to notice how quickly his heart, legs, kidneys could all be checked and how often she went back to his head. It seemed like she spent less time then at 20 weeks on his head. Obviously, Myers cooperates with no one and wouldn't move for a better look or measurement of anything. His head still looked a little big, so she recommended a perinatalogist. Then at the end, she said that Dr. Davis needed to look and maybe he would be less concerned. Dr. Davis was at the hospital doing a delivery so we had already scheduled to see him the next day. Then, we went and did our glucose test. Yum.

The next morning, I got a call from the Dr's office. It was early. Dr. Davis had already looked at the ultrasound. They had already scheduled a follow up with the perinatalogist for 9 am the next day.

When I saw Dr. Davis later, he assured me they always get people in super quick so they don't panic. Which, obviously, I was already doing. It's just a precaution because of family history.

Friday morning, we spent plenty of time with another ultrasound tech in the new Dr's office at the hospital. Again, double check everything. Kidneys were good. Heart was good. She was amazing. She told us what measurements should be, and where we were at. Everything looked good. Except that one thing.

You have 4 ventricles in your brain. 2 lateral that can be seen, and 2 below that where the cerebral spinal fluid drains and continues on. Normal fluid is below 10, high is 10-12, above 15 would be a diagnosis of hydrocephalus. On one side the fluid measured 9.5. The other side measured 14. I'm so thankful she told us every measurement as she went. Of course, again, as always, Myers would not move his head for a better view and measurement. We went back to his head at the end and remeasured. I hoped maybe it was just a bad measurement. It was still 14. Then we went into a separate room to wait. We met our new Dr. (Now I guess we just have 2) and a genetic counselor.

They went over causes:

1. Infection
2. The tube draining from the ventricle wasn't anatomically big enough and would possibly require surgery.
3. It might just need to be monitored as he's growing. I can't exactly remember this one because it was obviously too positive and we didn't talk about it much. This is usually mild cases, 10-12, not 14. 
4. Genetic --but hydrocephaly is X linked so think that through. (Hint- are you sure it's X linked? Hypothesis much? )

Our options at this point were:

1. Monitor
2. Amniocentesis which may tell us the cause, but they still wouldn't do anything until after he's born
3. Blood work which may eliminate 1-2 causes but still wouldn't give a definite answer.
4. Fetal MRI

The outcomes will be unknown until after he is born. The positive includes some developmental delay, maybe surgery and continue on with raising our buddy. There are less ideal outcomes, but I think you can come to your own conclusions without me writing them. I'm not ready to acknowledge the existence of other outcomes yet. 

We were to report to the genetic counselor the next day what we chose to do and scheduled a return appointment for 2 weeks. Depending on measurements at the follow up, there was potential that we would deliver at the U so that we could be next door to Primary Children's, but we wouldn't decide on that until our next appointment and measurements.

8 weeks (Rewind- - 6/9/15)

Dear Baby H,

I sure love you. I'm excited for you to get here. I'm grateful to be sick because I know it means your in there. I know how many times I prayed. I said I would never complain because I knew what it was like to want you. However, I'd really like to no longer vomit and dry heave. I'm worried food will never taste good again.

I wish I knew what food you liked. We seem to add a new dislike on a pretty frequent basis. Those are:
- granola bars
- chicken
- pasta
- mac n' cheese t.v. dinner
- Applebee's
-Olive Garden
- mayo
- chicken salad sandwiches
- coke

To be fair, I was doing fantastic with no coke. Aunt Rae said it was all she could keep down so you better believe I tried it. You hate it.

You also hate water if I drink too much at once. I'm SO thirsty. Especially at night. I can't drink it. Bad things happen.

So far, my weight has fluctuated between the same poundage range it always does. We'll see. Dr. Davis' scale is less forgiving. We have have another appointment next week.

I can't wait to hear your heart beat again. I think Dad's pretty stoked too.

Love,
MOM

Little Red is FREE

We paid off the Mazda today!

I made Casey go IN to the bank with me. That's how excited I was. No one even congratulated us. What the heck, credit union?! Don't send me a satisfaction survey. No one offered to take a picture of us next to the car! But they sure do take a picture when you get a loan for 5 years on the freaking thing. Dave Ramsey would have a field day with that comparison! Whatever, i'll take a freaking selfie.

Moving on.

1 year and 3 months early!

Impressed? My original goal was to pay it off in 2 and a half years, but whatever. Early is early and a win in my book. I love, love, love reading other people's tips even though some of them don't work for me. So, here are ours.

How did we do it?

1. When I first bought the car, my payment was low enough for me to handle. I definitely didn't get in over my head. I liked having a payment I could afford. There was never a month where I was scared I couldn't make my payment.
2. I made sure I could pay extra on my loan. Read the fine print, did you know on some loans that comes with fees?! Make sure you check!
3. Round up. Most car  payments are a random amount "$208.75". I picked a number, still within my budget, and told myself it was my car payment. $220 was the number I picked and I NEVER paid below that because that number was my car payment in my mind. Usually, I paid well over that $220, but that was my number that I never went below. Every penny counts.
4. Our budget is loose. So, we budget more money for things like lunches out. If ever I bought pizza on my debit card and a friend paid me for half, the money they paid me back went towards a car payment instead of back into the checking account.
5. Sometimes I use my debit card for work. (It's often, I am horribly impatient when it comes to waiting for someone else to finish with the company card). When I get reimbursed, that money doesn't go back into checking. We already account for it being "gone" so I make a car payment.
Disclaimer: Case loathes that I do this step and it 100% ruins budgets, but whatev, it's what I'm into.
6. This one is random, and not really a step or tip, but one month the bank teller applied the truck, car payment, and the "extra" that I was paying all on the car. It sucked  when I had to make another truck payment but it's awesome now.

I realize some of my tips are not realistic for all. They also prove that we need to get better at budgeting, but I'm so excited to have a free car! I know, I know it's still not free, but I'm calling it that and it rocks.
Now, to start shopping for my SUV.

Kidding, kidding. We may like this one vehicle payment life. Now cross your fingers that no vehicles break!

PS-- We are debt snowballing. I super love Dave Ramsey and Casey loves excel. If you're into tips and tricks like this, let me know in the comments. I'll talk money with you all day long. Make it rain!

100

Myers,

It's the last triple digit day of counting down until you come. Some days, I want all 100 of those days and maybe a few extra. Other days, like today, I wish it were tomorrow. I miss you. I don't know how its possible but I do. I don't know what we did without you for so long. I'm excited to watch you grow. I have a hard time remembering that you are going to start so tiny. I feel like I can remember you as a little boy. I can't wait for all of the adventures we will go on. 

Papa is looking forward to your first ride on a horse. I think that's going to happen a lot sooner than Mom wants. I'll make sure you are bundled up, but it's not Papa's fault you decided to come in the middle of winter. 

Gammie has bought you enough stuff for you and 3 brothers. She's even helped paint your room! She's mostly looking foward to setting up your crib. 

Aunt Madison, it's safe to say she likes you. She checks in a lot. Mostly, I think she can't wait to babysit. I hope I at least get to hold you for an hour first. 

Grandma Holmes can't believe you are a boy. Another boy! I can't either. Please don't break any bones before age 5. Please be careful! 

Grams and Gramps Holmes think you look like your dad. I hope you get his curly hair and blue eyes. I think it's a long shot, but maybe grow a little bit of hair before you come? They've come over lots to help mow the lawn, tape floors, paint, whatever. You are a pretty lucky boy. 

Aunt Erica and Ash have picked out and bought enough clothes for your first year. I think Erica is a preferred customer at Nordy's. 

Aunt Corie bought you a Cubs outfit. We'll just keep it our secret that you are a Royals boy through and through. 

Gran is working hard on all your bedding, and I think she'd like you to send a sister next, but I think she's pretty happy about a little cowboy. 

Your dad, is in a calm state of panic. I've given him a few things to pick out- stroller and monitor. I better not give him anymore. He's making sure it's only the best, it's a good deal, and it's functional. He's pulling lots of late nights, early mornings, and weekends, in your nursery. His favorite part might be your closet shelves. And, he's really glad your room isn't purple anymore. 

Basin and Alf know you are there, and definitely know something is awry at the house. There is a lot of commotion. They like to lay by you in my belly.  

One last request, keep growing. I know food isn't totally your thing, but at a pound and a half you aren't quite fitting into your clothes yet. And, your dad is 6 foot. I did not waste money on newborn clothes. 

I love you. 

Love, 

Mom

Creep Clothes, baby style

Okay, maybe I'm just not in tune with vomit inducing levels of cute. We need to address a concern.

I'm in Carter's (and TJ and Gap) searching for a baby gift. It was for my boss. So, super cute obvi. People need to know I'm not a style prude, but also normal.

My options:
- super darling outfit with bicycles. And, a onesie "auntie's favorite". Yep, not your kids aunt. That just made it weird.
- a juicy couture one piece with "juicy" across the bib.... didn't juicy couture go out of style with words on the ass sweatpants? Not buying that. Just no.
- the cutest flamingo print dress. And, a onesie "daddy's sunshine" uum, no. Why? Seriously, why? Why does it have to say anything. You either pushed the kid out, or watched it get pushed. We get it. You like your kid. But, weird. Where is the "you are the boss. Here's a cute gift. Let's have some personal boundaries gift" And THAT  is saying something because I love learning, knowing and caring about people and their life happiness but it's just too far.

In conclusion, I would like to thank The Gap for the freaking adorable denim dress, stripe sweater and matching tights. On sale, cute, not weird, and no reference to family ties. Gap is clutch. Now, can I have a discount for the brand thumbs up?

The Clo Clo Monster

TMI so don't let it phase you. You were warned.

So, the most wonderful, dreamy, helpful doctor (not an exageration. I love him and I honestly think he is a gem. Call me, i'll refer you) decided that I should try out clomid. Not for long, only a few cycles. I am NOT an expert, and I won't pretend to be someone that took a high dose for an extended period of time. I have friends that did, and they are my heros. I will let you know how my few cycles went.

I believe that everyone has an opinion. 

Clomid has made many people pregnant and I think it can be a great option. If you are thinking about it I recommend that you pray. Get answers. Is it the right time? The right thing? If it is then med up, but if not, that's okay too.

Here's my top 10. 

And, it is so okay to laugh, because let's be honest, some of these will make you roll.

1. Before taking clomid, I had to have a blood pregnancy test (I know it's for safety and they HAVE to make sure, but come on. Salt that a little more). The nurse called me several days later to let me know I was not pregnant and could begin clomid. I was pretty nervous on the phone and responded, "okay, so I can start taking the chlamidia now?... i mean, uh.." The nurse politely contained her laughter, but you know she went and double checked my chart after to ensure I didn't have the clap. To be clear, I didn't and never have, but I was so nervous and I had just had a conversation about the other C word and it was the C word in my head.

2. My favorite word is the F word. It was in my head ALL day long. I know it's not okay, I know I can't say that. I was worried that if the doctor increased my dose, I'd start dropping it on everyone at work. And that's frowned upon.

3. I didn't feel in control of myself. I felt "off". I knew when I was being ridiculous but I would feel that whatever I was being ridiculous about was so important.

4. Life is better with your office door shut.
5. Life on clomid is better when you get eyelash extensions. It just is.

Sidenote: my eyelashes are amazing, but fell off quicker if I was on the clo the week I got them done. It happened twice, so that's fact based. And, I have the best lash artist in all of Utah, they never fall off. Ever. Except on those weeks. And, it was only if they were brand new that week. What the hormone?!

6. Laughing while crying. That's when you know Clomid has made you bat shit crazy.

7. Gain 3 pounds, lose 3 pounds. In a matter of hours. "I have nothing that fits" was a struggle and I swear I look lile a bloated balloon in our anniversary trip pictures. 

8. I'm grateful that we tried. We almost didn't. But then I would have wondered if we should have. It didn't work, but what if it had. And, I didn't take it because I felt crazy. A baby is worth the crazy. 

9. I fell in love with Casey that much more. He is the most patient person. He gets a look and knows it's time to walk away, or leave wherever we were. He took care of extra chores or planned dates. (Oddly enough, I still liked him) 

9a. (Because I have more) knocking is a priority. DO NOT come to my home unannounced. We are on a very strict schedule at the Holmes house. (Note- the new med allow for visitors more frequently. But still, expensive strict schedule over here.) I realize it sounds rude, but my goodness it is science. And, we follow it.

10. The weight loss after clomid. Uum, yeah, I've lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks (granted I'm also changing my diet. But good sweet mama, I feel like a $20 dollah bill over here. )

Overall, I wish it would have worked. But, I wish it could have worked like the discovery channel too. (Excuse that vulgar reference. I'm funny not on medication too). I know we will have 15 babies exactly when we should. Until then, we'll try to be positive or we may just shut ourselves in doors for the day. 

I'm sad clomid didn't work for us. I absolutely would do it for 20 more cycles if it would work. My doctor didn't think it would for us. So, we are on to new things. Good luck to any of you that may still be taking clomid! I'm sorry if you have to do 1 cycle or 13 or 25. They all suck because this sucks. There will be a great reward at the end. 

Xo

Weekly Goals: March 29 - April 4

Goals are late this week. I have them already but I haven't made myself accountable to you yet so here we go. 

These are last week's goals that I passed off. I'll still work on them, but they aren't formal goals for this week.

1. Continue with no coke! I have had a sip or two of Casey's but that is it. I am really pleased with myself!
5. Log food daily on myfitnesspal.

These are the ones I have to keep working on...

2. Slow down with Sprite.
3. Don't stress what I can't fix.
4. Get 10,000 for 4 days on the fitbit.
6. Work out 3x per week.
7. Take a home lunch 3 days a week.

I won't make excuses, I didn't apply myself. However, I plan on doing a better job for the latter half of this week. Without further adu, this week's complete list of goals.

1. Slow down on Sprite.
2. Increase water intake. 24 Oz per day. I know I can make this happen. I just need to pay attention and do it. (This goal will probably stay awhile because I'm trying to increase my H20.)
3. Get 10,000 steps for 4 days on fitbit. I haven't done it yet this week so I need to for the next 4 days! Here we go!
4. Work out 3x per week. Guys, I need help. I NEED ideas. I'm bombing this goal. 5. Take a home lunch 3x this week. So far, I have not accomplished any this week. However, Monday I was at a training so lunch was provided and Tuesday my pregnant friend wanted to eat out. I can't argue that.
6. Don't stress what I can't fix. I really, really want to focus on this one. The thought of my stress level makes me stressed. And, I really need to not be stressed. I'll do a whole post on stress someday.
7. Read scriptures or a conference talk each day to prepare spiritually for General Conference. GC is sweet, you can watch too {lds.org}

Good luck with your goals, gems. 

Xoxo

Family

Tonight, I had the opportunity to watch the General Women's Meeting of the church.

Before watching, the young women and leaders were given a packet to write on filled withvarious speakers names and pictures . We could write what we learned or we could write down questions before the conference began and search for those answers. (It is a personal progress pass off)

I wrote down my questions, and began to watch. I have been open with the fact that I often feel like I don't hear what I am supposed to, I don't slow down enough to catch those little promptings. I get nervous that I can't hear the still small voice over my thundering opinion in my brain.

Within a matter of minutes, my questions were directed. Not answered in a simple "yes" or "no" but more of a reminder that my prayers are heard. Everything will happen as it is supposed to. And I am not as far off the path of hearing the Holy Ghost as I sometimes think I am. Everything will happen just as it is supposed to, and in HIS time. Not mine. 

Sister Cheryl Esplin spoke of her ancestor Elizabeth Staley Walker (?), "do not bury your testimony in the ground." So, even though it might still be growing, I know that Heavenly Father hears my prayers. He hears your prayers. Do not feel guilty when you ask questions in your prayers. Your prayers are no less important than another person and your Heavenly Father wants to know your thoughts, dreams, and goals. Heavenly Father is always there waiting for you to reach out and develop your relationship with him. Grasp that relationship. Become a better person each day through the strength the He gives you. I am not perfect. Heavenly Father knows that. He loves me anyways. And, he loves you. All of us.

Sister Carole M. Stephens spoke of trials. We are not all going through the same thing. Some of us may have a divorce, feel abandoned, or have lost a child. I can't say that I know how that feels. I don't even think I can say that I know what it feels like to struggle with infertility, because there are those that have struggled for far longer than I. We are here to unite and support one another. Help others who may be going through something, remind them that they are loved. They are special. My favorite line from her talk was "your sphere of influence is large." Think of everyone's life and how you could make a difference if you realize that you could show others the Light of Christ in you. Think of all the lives you could change and the people you could impact. Isn't that an amazing thought?

There were several songs and slideshows  during the conference. Every family is different. No family is less important because it has no kids, or because a person is single. Or aged. Or anything. All families are special. I cried with the couple that has faced infertility for 5 years, I've cried for friends, and friends of friends. I want them all to have a softball team of babies. And, I pray for them. I hope that couple feels those prayers. And, I hope their family grows in whatever way the Lord has in store for them. I wanted to hug the wife in that video. I want her to know that I will pray with her. I want her to know that I appreciated her testimony and example.

I've often heard the story that if all the trials in the world were placed in a pile and we were able to choose what we would be faced with, we would keep our own trials. I think of my mom, I think of all the moms who have lost a child. I think they were strong and brave. And, I think they took something that they knew the rest of us were unable to handle. I think of those with no food to eat, and wonder if I was selfish to have taken this life and made them live a life so much harder. I hope that if we chose our trials that I took something so that someone else wouldn't have to. I hope that through the bad days, I can be an example to others, that together we can lift one another up and get through the tougher times.

President Henry Eyring spoke last. Whilst I can mourn with those who mourn there is only one person who truly knows how their pain feels. The Holy Ghost can and will comfort you. Allow yourself to feel that comfort and know that you are loved. 
I know that Heavenly Father has a prophet on the Earth today. I know our spiritual leaders can provide us guidance. I know that there IS modern day revelation. I know Heavenly Father communicates to each of us in many different ways. I know one of them is through General Conference and through the prophet and apostles. I know Heavenly Father has a special, and probably very different, message for each of us. I know if we take the time, and really listen, we can hear exactly what we need to hear.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to listen to conference next week. I know it provides me with blessings and answers. I know I can feel my Father's love. I know I have been extremely blessed. Everyday. And, I hope that through my gifts, talents, and blessings that I can share that love with others because everyone should know how loved they are.

**for those of you anxiously waiting, goals will be up tomorrow**

Birthdays from Heaven

Once each year, we send balloons into the sky for the sister I never knew here in this life. If I pick the balloons they are usually light pink and some other "girl" color. Last year, I think I finally asked my mom if she had a favorite color. I think the answer was blue or yellow. I, selfishly, didn't remember and it was a variation of baby pink again this year.

My sister would have been 32 this year. I don't know what birthdays are like when you are 32. They should be more mature. Therefore, I bought my mom light pink and gold balloons this year. I really wanted to get the neon pink, it was a birthday after all. For some reason, I had a hard time escaping the baby pink. I wonder if I will always picture my older sister as smaller, because that's the only her that this life knows.

Some people say it's weird to celebrate a birthday from Heaven. I promise you, it's not. It's better. No one in my family forgets March 23. We just don't.  As a kid, I don't  remember what I would say. I still don't always say the right thing. Some years, I ask questions about her. Some years, I just say a simple "happy birthday" to my mom. Some years, we send flowers. This year we didn't. Some years, we just have dinner at home. This year we went out to dinner with my parents. Some years, we make cupcakes. Others, we don't. There usually isn't the birthday song or presents. But March 23 has a presence.

It's a reminder, and a not so subtle one, that this Earth isn't perfect. What is perfect is what we have been promised if we follow our Heavenly Father's plan for this life.  I KNOW that I will see my sister again, I KNOW I will remember her, I KNOW that I knew her before, in Heaven. I KNOW she knew the plan before coming to this earth. I KNOW she knew her life would be hard, and I KNOW she accepted the task. I KNOW she isn't in pain in Heaven. I KNOW she is happy. I KNOW there is a reason she couldn't stay and be a big sister, I KNOW there is something so important there that she had to do instead. 

And, I know before this life, my mom knew she would only get her for a short time. I know she accepted that and whatever pain it would bring, because she knew the bigger plan for her. And, she must have such an important plan to only need a physical body for a short time. I know that my mom had a really hard time. I've asked. I don't think it gets easier. I don't think the sadness ever leaves. I think one just learns to live being that sad. I also know that my mom didn't give up. She kept going, which was the plan also. Most days, probably not because she wanted to. We have been promised we will see our sister again. How sad I will be when it is my sister's turn to have our mom again. (And, Im grateful she is still letting me keep her for A LOT more time)

I know in Heaven we were asked if this would be our families plan. If we could do this trial. We all said yes. Then I'm sure my mom and sister were taken aside and asked if they really could do this. Because being a mom is something more sacred than all else. And, if the world were perfect that would never be taken away. I know they said yes. I know when we get the Heaven there will be a special club of the most elite mothers that have lost a baby. I know it's a club that none of them are glad they are in. But those are the strong women that have handled the hardship so gracefully. They have been an example to everyone around them. They have the spirit of Christ in them. I am so thankful that one of them is my mom. She has been the best example of Christ's love for my whole life.  And, I could not be who I am without her raising me like she did.

I can't wait for the day when we all be together in Heaven. Sitting as a family in the living room, telling stories and laughing. Heaven has living rooms, right?  I know she will tell us the amazing things she accomplished. I know we will all be so proud. And, I can't wait for one million hugs. I can't wait to remember my sister again.

Weekly Goals: March 22- March 28

Alright, who remembers the weekly goals? It's time to jump back on the bandwagon and make things happen.

If you don't remember how it works, read up, {here}.

And, don't forget to tell leave a comment with your own goals below. 
Accountability is half the battle, do yourself a favor. 

Mine are :

1. CONTINUE with no coke! (That's right, I said it, continue. I haven't had a coke in probably 2 weeks. It's working.)
2. Slow down with Sprite. I replaced coke with sprite. I'm doing better at home, but when go out or work is rough, I drink a sprite (or a dr. Pepper). It's better, but it's time to be the best. I don't want to waste my precious calories on liquids. I'm also not trying to stop all together. My meds be makin me dizzy and sometimes sprite helps.
3. Don't stress what I can't fix. EVERYTHING hurts my feelings and adds stress. If I can't change it, then this is the week I stop worrying about it.
4. Work out 3 times this week.
5. Get 10,000 steps at least 4 days this week.
6. Log food on myfitnesspal every day. Be within my calories 5 out of 7 days. This current week was 3 days out of 7. (Add me-- my username is kallifornia27)
7. Eat a home lunch 3 days this week.  

There you have it. I have 7 goals because 1. I like odd numbers 2. I really like the number 7 and 3. I don't  actually like the number 5. You can have as many or as few goals as you choose. Remember the rules, if you don't complete a goal it stays on the chart for the next week!

Also, if you look today, my goals all relate to physical fitness. That's not true of my goals everytime. Last time, my goals were all financial. It's what you choose, what will make you feel better, more accomplished, more improved.

We've got this!

Recap: Sittin On A Bunny Hill- March 7, 2012

                After meeting Casey and hanging out a few times, he mentioned he liked to spend extra time on the mountain. In his family, lots of sports are played including snowboarding and skiing. Rewind a few months and you would know I just got a brand new snowboard (I had only been once in my life and for some reason felt good enough about it that I should have gear. . . uum whatever. I guess it worked out) So, I have this new snowboard collecting dust and it’s March. NEVER GONNA USE IT.

                I decide Casey and his brother Matt should be the lucky ones that get to accompany me on the bunny hills. I figured if I had a group go, they could leave me at my level and could go to the black diamond courses. Then I could say I went with a group, I still don’t have enough self-confidence to go alone apparently.

                I write Casey on Facebook (loser alert) and tell him we all should go boarding. He agrees and we plan a night after work to go night boarding (grown up jobs that make you work all day. BOO) Casey tells me to meet at his house at 5:30.

                I spent the day looking into nursing schools- great for my future, bad because I did not leave enough time to go shop for extra gear (goggles. Didn’t have time to get a helmet. STILL NEED ONE! Maybe for Christmas this year? Cough, Case?)

                I got to Casey’s house around 6. His brother Matt was just getting home off the mountain. I panic, I’m supposed to be going with everyone. If it’s just Case and I it’s like it’s a date. This can’t be a date. It’s a group thing. I CANNOT BE THE ONE THAT ASKED HIM OUT FIRST. UGH. I’m that girl. For forever.  Bad, bad, bad.  So, Matt takes one look at my board and starts laughing. I had put the bindings on all wrong- thank you google search. Fail. He and Casey begin to fix it as I go change. While changing I realize my snow pants from junior high are a little tight. Weird. Suck in the muffin top and let’s go. I walked out and asked Casey and Matt if this place took cards or I needed to run get cash. They looked at each other and said, “both”. (side note: I am famous for making things awkward, I’m still thinking/ wanting no date here. I asked him. Gross)

                The drive up to Wolf Mountain was so fun. Previous to this day, I thought Casey was nice and I wanted to be his friend, but that’s all I knew. He was quiet. And…mature. I just didn’t realize I was feeling his vibe. Back to the drive, I’m decent at coming up with enough random questions to fill drive time so that was good. I learned a little about Casey.

                We get to the hill, and begin gearing up- boots, hats, goggles (remember , I had to showcase my new purchase). I pulled out my debit card and asked Casey to hold it in his pocket. My pants were kinda tight. Just saying, don’t know if I could have held a debit card on my personage. He said “you don’t need this”. I exclaimed that I definitely did and he did not need to pay for me as we were just boarding and it was my idea.

                (oh, ps. Casey skis. Who is going to help me now? ) We go to the window to get our tickets. Casey buys two . He’s cute like that. I thank him and feel like a dweeb. Now he’s wasted money. I only bunny hill! He wasted money for me to bunny hill!

                Here’s where he starts raking in the points. I can’t even make it to the lift I’m so bad. Poor boy continues to sit with me every time I fall, help me up and just wait super patiently. I let Casey know that I definitely DO NOT do ski lifts. He assures me we will be fine. He had to essentially pick me up and put me on the lift. This “date” is so embarrassing! We get to the top. I’m beyond nervous. This is where I’m really really bad at snowboarding. Casey put his arm around me, pulled me in close, and carried me off the lift. Seriously, he is the sweetest boy in the whole world. I’m swooning. He didn’t leave my side for the next three hours. 97% of those hours were spent SITTING on the bunny hill. He was there every time. Never once did he leave to go ahead of me. He never once rolled his eyes, told me to hurry, or questioned why he came with me. He started making videos on his phone of my skills. …Maybe he just wanted to enter America’s Funniest Home Videos? He was a gem. Complete perfection. At the very end of the night, I did insist he go down a real run. I waited at the car happily. Snowboarding is freakin’ exhausting people!

                On the drive home, we talked more. I found out he went on his mission to Russia (find out more about our church here). I asked him to speak to me in Russian. And oh, speak to me he did. Amazing. Swooning. In Heat. Whoa, baby. We got home way too fast.  He helped me load all my stuff in my car and played with my phone for a really long time. (side note- of course he was doing some kind of number exchange, but let’s all pretend he was really sneaky. Good for a man’s ego)

                Sadly, all perfect first dates must come to an end. Sooner than we wanted since someone had to work the grave (yeah, snowboarding, grave, full day of work the next day. I’m a horrible scheduler).

                On the way home, I had a perma- smile. It hurt it was so big. You know how they tell you one person will be different? He is. I knew it right then. Of course, I tried to call my mom. She had a migraine and I got Dad instead. He was really happy and excited I had a lovely evening, but it wasn’t quite the mom reaction I was hoping for. I called Ash, his cousin. Then Allie. The smile just never left. It was too good. He is just perfect, everything I’ve ever needed.

                I got to Brigham City and decided to check out my phone. I had texted a strange number “hey. How are you?” Oh so Casey texted himself from my phone. I responded with “well, I don’t know how are you?” It continued from there. We haven’t stopped texting, calling, and spending time together since.

Faith in HIS timing

I'm going to be super personal. It needs to come out. Other people sharing helps me, and makes me feel empowered and like I have choices and options. So feel free to not read if that makes you feel uncomf.

Case and I got married and never really prevented having a baby. But, we also didnt try. After a few months, I started ovulation tests and we still weren't pregnant. I know that it can take time so we didn't feel super frustrated. It was a complete guessing game though and we went through tons of ovulation tests.

I went to my doctor after 6 months, because 1. Something was wrong. It had been months since I'd had a cycle. 2. Because it was freaking weird.
The doctor said to try for 6 more months. I felt better knowing she wasn't at all concerned, but looking back I should have stood up for myself a bit more. I didn't go to her because I felt frustrated after a short time, I went because what was happening wasn't  normal. It's okay that I wasn't pregnant after only 6 months, but being regular would be nice. Knowing if something was wrong would have been nice.

6 months later, I decided to try a new doctor. I love love love him. He ran some blood work, it was fine. And, he started me on clomid. If it didn't work after a few cycles, we would develop a new plan. I love that he had a plan. He made me feel so comfortable and so at ease.

After the appointment, I began to read up on clomid. I felt uneasy, really uneasy. And, in one week we changed our mind 3 times on whether or not to try it. I'm okay with the fact that we did. I have nothing against clomid and I think it is a huge blessing for many people, but it never felt right. It felt like a step we had to take to get to the next step.

And, it made me crazy. I was on a super low dose. It was a me problem, but the "f" word was ALWAYS in my head. And, not in a "lets go do that" kind of way. In an "i loathe you" way.

I went to the dr. Again, changing up the plan. And, I feel okay about it which is good.

I feel bad talking about not liking medication when it can be such a blessing. I also feel bad because I know there are so many who are on crazy high  doses. Or cant have children. I feel like i'm fighting time. I don't  want to be 80 when my kids graduate. Am I going to have enough time to have them all? (I sound like I want 20). I feel ungrateful for modern medicine and the time it takes, but I really am grateful and I know there are others who had and have to work so much harder. I don't  want to sound like a brat, but it does suck 2 months in, and 8 months in, and 2 years in. It all sucks. And, it's okay to admit that. I realize I'm blessed that we haven't had to do this as long as some, and I will always have those people in my prayers. It can still suck, even if you don't have to try as long.

And, I don't have to physically give birth to my children. I would be so thrilled with adoption. I know however our baby comes to us will be the right way.

I just don't feel like there has been a voice or a feeling saying "do this". I think there are times when God just lets you decide and any possibility is okay, and that's a great thing. It means the path we are on is okay. Sometimes it would just be nice to have a huge book that is how my life is supposed to go so I could make sure I did it right (sometimes agency and I have some different opinions).

Case is a spiritual giant and absolutely nothing stresses him because he has faith. He knows it will happen exactly when it is supposed to, and don't get me wrong, I realize that. I just would like a formal life outline as well. : )

I know our babies will come exactly when they are supposed to. I may not know why they had to come at exactly that time and not a few months earlier. But, Heavenly Father knows. That reason is a perfect reason. Maybe my baby needs to be a year younger in school to help a friend, maybe I need to learn more patience, maybe we aren't quite as ready for a baby as we think we are. I don't get to know that answer right now. But I know the blessings come. I know if I do the things I am supposed to that Heavenly Father has promised me the things I want most in this life.

I'm so grateful for priesthood blessings so that on the days that I forget I can have a reminder that this is all a part of His timing, the right timing. I don't need to stress or worry because it is already decided.

And, how grateful am I that all of my future babies are up in Heaven with all their grandparents learning about our family and choosing to come to us. How thankful I am for a husband that is patient, and helpful, and loving. How thankful I am that I am shown often what an amazing dad he will be.

His timing is perfect. And, I'm never waiting without His comfort.

2014- in review

As I thought about it, I had a hard time thinking of anything BIG that happened in 2014. I looked through pictures are came up with a few, just because. Stuff really did happen this past year, I promise! 

10. We went to SLC and stayed at The Grand America for our 1 year anniversary. There were also 2 trips to St. George, 1 day in Vegas, multiple trips to Gran's, and a handful of Park City overnights and shopping days.
9. Casey got a new truck. It's an F-150.. someone caved, but I can affectionately say I love "date truck" and having 4 modes of transportation is snobby... and comical.

8. I was the Young Women's camp director then later got put in as the Young Women secretary.  I love it! And, Case still rocks his calling in young men's.
7. The Ogden Temple was dedicated. During the open house, we volunteered a few times. It was awesome!
6. I ran 2 5k's and even started running three times a week with my neighbors. It fizzled quickly in the fall.
5. Casey turned 30! He had a surprise party. For a man that doesn't show excitement or emotion, I think he was really surprised. It was fun!
4. We saw the doctor (what's this "we" crap) and talked about ways to help our family grow. I absolutely love my crazy pills. And, Case loves the adventure of never knowing how emotional I'll be. ;)
3. The freezer, clothes dryer, bath tub, and oven/stove all took turns breaking. The fixes ranged from $20 to $200 and each one had to be fixed or replaced at least twice.
2. The dogs keep us happy and make us feel loved. They ran away lots and plenty of neighbors helped bring them home {embarrassing}. Alfonzo got blocks away from a busy street one day and our friend had to chase him. Good thing she's my running friend!

1. I took a cake decorating class with my friend, Laura. I've had so much fun learning how to be more accomplished in the kitch!