2 Weeks - Ventriculomegaly Post 2

If you haven't read the first post, maybe do that now. It was just long so I broke it into pieces. I still will post them at the same time, because waiting is one of life's cruelest tricks.

Casey and I decided we would go ahead and do blood work to check for infection. We would hold off on an amniocentesis because we didn't feel like right now it provided any long term benefit for Myers for us to know sooner then birth the cause of his ventriculomegaly. We would decide on the MRI at our next appointment.

I went and got my blood drawn on the following Monday. The results would take 2-3 days but I would get them at our next appointment. That Friday, I called the dr's office and asked for the results. The counselor called me back just before 4 pm. The blood work tested for some kind of flu/virus that had a 3 letter name, toxioplasmosis (?) and one other thing. All of the blood work came back normal. I was so grateful because the infection cause seemed to have a lot of the less desired side effects. It helped us get through the weekend knowing.

I felt a little bit meh for the two weeks. It's hard to know what to wish for and pray for. I wished for a positive outcome. I researched. A part of me felt really selfish wishing that my child would be okay when so many other people continue to deal with this diagnosis each day.

I tried to be fair with myself with every article I read. I stayed away from baby chat rooms and looked for educational studies. Everything I could find had really good outcomes for kids with a number less than 12. I couldn't find a study with a child that matched Myers. It was frustrating. I needed to know what I was looking at, but I didn't find it. I looked at neurosurgeons, trying to decide from a picture and a brief history of education which one I wished would do the surgery. Which one would be best? I can tell you every provider our insurance covers for miles. Finally, I watched a shunt surgery. I don't know if I would recommend most parents watch it, but for me it was really helpful. I needed to see exactly what the surgery entailed. I didn't watch a home movie. I think I watched something from Harvard or somewhere equally noteworthy. It seemed to be prepared for medical students and the surgeon did a really good job explaining as he went through each step. Old Kalli could have watched it without flinching and would know it was a good thing. Mom Kalli got queasy twice. But, it was helpful. I am glad I was able to see it. It made me feel better about the whole thing.

I hurt for Myers. I hurt when I read side effects like feeling dizzy or headaches. I felt real pain when thinking that I couldn't make any of the symptoms go away. I felt sad not knowing what the right decision was with each test/ cause/ outcome. There were some decisions I was scared that I might have to make that I wasn't ready to make.

Case and I told our families and a couple of close friends. It's kind of hard to tell people when I don't exactly know what I'm trying to tell them. This could be really scary, but we don't really know yet. We may learn a little more, but not everything. I'm continually learning patience in this earthly life. I wish I would have read that manual in Heaven before making my way here.

Some days, I am completely okay. We've got this. No fear. And, other days, I'm mostly okay. But there will be a time during that day when I have to take a minute and completely lose it. I'm nervous. I don't like the unknown. I can't prepare for unknown. I guess in ways that's what all parenting is, Unknown. But, I'm better with knowing. I have rational thoughts and thoughts that are completely normal. One minute, I'm planning and deciding which next big purchase to make. The next, I'm thinking it would be best to pack up all his big clothes until he needs to wear them. And, 5 minutes later, I'm buying him a stuffed lion. He needs a lion. Every brave little boy only needs a lion and everything will be fine.

Case is a rock. And, he read that book on patience. There wasn't anything else we could do but be patient, but I just can't be putting up with that.

My sleep got worse as the appointment got closer. I thought I actually was handling things better than I was, but I completely stopped sleeping through most of the night. I would just lay in various rooms in the house and try to go to sleep. It got worse the closer we got to our next appointment.

Our families have been really awesome. My mom calls me no less than 3 times a day. She went grocery shopping for us. She stops at our house, makes a dinner and all I have to do is put it in the oven. She comes over every night that Casey has class to "decorate". She's not decorating. She's cleaning, and sitting at my kitchen table for hours so that I'm not alone. And, she'll talk. She'll talk when I'm scared. She'll talk when I'm fine. She always is, but really, she has been such a blessing. Casey's mom has brought us a cute treat once each week. We had a pizza in our fridge one weekend so we didn't drive out for Sunday dinner. We could stay home and sleep. (and we did) Countless numbers of people have told us that we are in their prayers and we have felt it. And, what we really needed we got. Two weeks went by really quickly. And, that was the biggest blessing. We were busy. We had tasks. We didn't have time to slow down and dwell. And, I'm so grateful for that.

We've appreciated other people's patience. Even if they didn't know why. We've been scattered. We've dropped the ball on commitments. We are only half focused in conversation or text. We'll be back to the real world now, and we're sorry we left you for a minute.

Numb -Ventriculomegaly Post 1

Numb.

Or, I wish I were.

Baby M has looked good at every ultrasound. Every. One.

At 20 weeks, we went over everything. Every piece of family history. The tech kept moving back to his head. I've asked at every appointment "is his head too big?". The answer is always no. Always. But this time, she stayed there. She kept looking.

When she was done, she told us to come back at 26 weeks just to be sure. He had a little bit more fluid in his ventricle then they like to see, but only a little. And, it might go away. So, they just wanted to double check.

We met with our Dr. after. He wasn't concerned. He looked again. If it were a huge deal, the tech would have called us in. In fact, he even told us to wait til 28 weeks so that the ultrasound corresponded with our already scheduled visit. So, we did. I analyzed the way people phrased things, exactly what they said. And, Casey. Casey doesn't panic. Ever.

At 24 weeks, our Dr. Very casually asked if we still had a follow up target ultrasound scheduled. He didn't sound concerned, but you don't ask that because you are making conversation. Casey shrugged because he must have just looked at our chart and was following up.

At our 28 week appointment, we had the same tech. (And, I love her too. She's so friendly and way smart) She made conversation. Maybe I wasn't supposed to notice how quickly his heart, legs, kidneys could all be checked and how often she went back to his head. It seemed like she spent less time then at 20 weeks on his head. Obviously, Myers cooperates with no one and wouldn't move for a better look or measurement of anything. His head still looked a little big, so she recommended a perinatalogist. Then at the end, she said that Dr. Davis needed to look and maybe he would be less concerned. Dr. Davis was at the hospital doing a delivery so we had already scheduled to see him the next day. Then, we went and did our glucose test. Yum.

The next morning, I got a call from the Dr's office. It was early. Dr. Davis had already looked at the ultrasound. They had already scheduled a follow up with the perinatalogist for 9 am the next day.

When I saw Dr. Davis later, he assured me they always get people in super quick so they don't panic. Which, obviously, I was already doing. It's just a precaution because of family history.

Friday morning, we spent plenty of time with another ultrasound tech in the new Dr's office at the hospital. Again, double check everything. Kidneys were good. Heart was good. She was amazing. She told us what measurements should be, and where we were at. Everything looked good. Except that one thing.

You have 4 ventricles in your brain. 2 lateral that can be seen, and 2 below that where the cerebral spinal fluid drains and continues on. Normal fluid is below 10, high is 10-12, above 15 would be a diagnosis of hydrocephalus. On one side the fluid measured 9.5. The other side measured 14. I'm so thankful she told us every measurement as she went. Of course, again, as always, Myers would not move his head for a better view and measurement. We went back to his head at the end and remeasured. I hoped maybe it was just a bad measurement. It was still 14. Then we went into a separate room to wait. We met our new Dr. (Now I guess we just have 2) and a genetic counselor.

They went over causes:

1. Infection
2. The tube draining from the ventricle wasn't anatomically big enough and would possibly require surgery.
3. It might just need to be monitored as he's growing. I can't exactly remember this one because it was obviously too positive and we didn't talk about it much. This is usually mild cases, 10-12, not 14. 
4. Genetic --but hydrocephaly is X linked so think that through. (Hint- are you sure it's X linked? Hypothesis much? )

Our options at this point were:

1. Monitor
2. Amniocentesis which may tell us the cause, but they still wouldn't do anything until after he's born
3. Blood work which may eliminate 1-2 causes but still wouldn't give a definite answer.
4. Fetal MRI

The outcomes will be unknown until after he is born. The positive includes some developmental delay, maybe surgery and continue on with raising our buddy. There are less ideal outcomes, but I think you can come to your own conclusions without me writing them. I'm not ready to acknowledge the existence of other outcomes yet. 

We were to report to the genetic counselor the next day what we chose to do and scheduled a return appointment for 2 weeks. Depending on measurements at the follow up, there was potential that we would deliver at the U so that we could be next door to Primary Children's, but we wouldn't decide on that until our next appointment and measurements.

8 weeks (Rewind- - 6/9/15)

Dear Baby H,

I sure love you. I'm excited for you to get here. I'm grateful to be sick because I know it means your in there. I know how many times I prayed. I said I would never complain because I knew what it was like to want you. However, I'd really like to no longer vomit and dry heave. I'm worried food will never taste good again.

I wish I knew what food you liked. We seem to add a new dislike on a pretty frequent basis. Those are:
- granola bars
- chicken
- pasta
- mac n' cheese t.v. dinner
- Applebee's
-Olive Garden
- mayo
- chicken salad sandwiches
- coke

To be fair, I was doing fantastic with no coke. Aunt Rae said it was all she could keep down so you better believe I tried it. You hate it.

You also hate water if I drink too much at once. I'm SO thirsty. Especially at night. I can't drink it. Bad things happen.

So far, my weight has fluctuated between the same poundage range it always does. We'll see. Dr. Davis' scale is less forgiving. We have have another appointment next week.

I can't wait to hear your heart beat again. I think Dad's pretty stoked too.

Love,
MOM

Little Red is FREE

We paid off the Mazda today!

I made Casey go IN to the bank with me. That's how excited I was. No one even congratulated us. What the heck, credit union?! Don't send me a satisfaction survey. No one offered to take a picture of us next to the car! But they sure do take a picture when you get a loan for 5 years on the freaking thing. Dave Ramsey would have a field day with that comparison! Whatever, i'll take a freaking selfie.

Moving on.

1 year and 3 months early!

Impressed? My original goal was to pay it off in 2 and a half years, but whatever. Early is early and a win in my book. I love, love, love reading other people's tips even though some of them don't work for me. So, here are ours.

How did we do it?

1. When I first bought the car, my payment was low enough for me to handle. I definitely didn't get in over my head. I liked having a payment I could afford. There was never a month where I was scared I couldn't make my payment.
2. I made sure I could pay extra on my loan. Read the fine print, did you know on some loans that comes with fees?! Make sure you check!
3. Round up. Most car  payments are a random amount "$208.75". I picked a number, still within my budget, and told myself it was my car payment. $220 was the number I picked and I NEVER paid below that because that number was my car payment in my mind. Usually, I paid well over that $220, but that was my number that I never went below. Every penny counts.
4. Our budget is loose. So, we budget more money for things like lunches out. If ever I bought pizza on my debit card and a friend paid me for half, the money they paid me back went towards a car payment instead of back into the checking account.
5. Sometimes I use my debit card for work. (It's often, I am horribly impatient when it comes to waiting for someone else to finish with the company card). When I get reimbursed, that money doesn't go back into checking. We already account for it being "gone" so I make a car payment.
Disclaimer: Case loathes that I do this step and it 100% ruins budgets, but whatev, it's what I'm into.
6. This one is random, and not really a step or tip, but one month the bank teller applied the truck, car payment, and the "extra" that I was paying all on the car. It sucked  when I had to make another truck payment but it's awesome now.

I realize some of my tips are not realistic for all. They also prove that we need to get better at budgeting, but I'm so excited to have a free car! I know, I know it's still not free, but I'm calling it that and it rocks.
Now, to start shopping for my SUV.

Kidding, kidding. We may like this one vehicle payment life. Now cross your fingers that no vehicles break!

PS-- We are debt snowballing. I super love Dave Ramsey and Casey loves excel. If you're into tips and tricks like this, let me know in the comments. I'll talk money with you all day long. Make it rain!

100

Myers,

It's the last triple digit day of counting down until you come. Some days, I want all 100 of those days and maybe a few extra. Other days, like today, I wish it were tomorrow. I miss you. I don't know how its possible but I do. I don't know what we did without you for so long. I'm excited to watch you grow. I have a hard time remembering that you are going to start so tiny. I feel like I can remember you as a little boy. I can't wait for all of the adventures we will go on. 

Papa is looking forward to your first ride on a horse. I think that's going to happen a lot sooner than Mom wants. I'll make sure you are bundled up, but it's not Papa's fault you decided to come in the middle of winter. 

Gammie has bought you enough stuff for you and 3 brothers. She's even helped paint your room! She's mostly looking foward to setting up your crib. 

Aunt Madison, it's safe to say she likes you. She checks in a lot. Mostly, I think she can't wait to babysit. I hope I at least get to hold you for an hour first. 

Grandma Holmes can't believe you are a boy. Another boy! I can't either. Please don't break any bones before age 5. Please be careful! 

Grams and Gramps Holmes think you look like your dad. I hope you get his curly hair and blue eyes. I think it's a long shot, but maybe grow a little bit of hair before you come? They've come over lots to help mow the lawn, tape floors, paint, whatever. You are a pretty lucky boy. 

Aunt Erica and Ash have picked out and bought enough clothes for your first year. I think Erica is a preferred customer at Nordy's. 

Aunt Corie bought you a Cubs outfit. We'll just keep it our secret that you are a Royals boy through and through. 

Gran is working hard on all your bedding, and I think she'd like you to send a sister next, but I think she's pretty happy about a little cowboy. 

Your dad, is in a calm state of panic. I've given him a few things to pick out- stroller and monitor. I better not give him anymore. He's making sure it's only the best, it's a good deal, and it's functional. He's pulling lots of late nights, early mornings, and weekends, in your nursery. His favorite part might be your closet shelves. And, he's really glad your room isn't purple anymore. 

Basin and Alf know you are there, and definitely know something is awry at the house. There is a lot of commotion. They like to lay by you in my belly.  

One last request, keep growing. I know food isn't totally your thing, but at a pound and a half you aren't quite fitting into your clothes yet. And, your dad is 6 foot. I did not waste money on newborn clothes. 

I love you. 

Love, 

Mom

Creep Clothes, baby style

Okay, maybe I'm just not in tune with vomit inducing levels of cute. We need to address a concern.

I'm in Carter's (and TJ and Gap) searching for a baby gift. It was for my boss. So, super cute obvi. People need to know I'm not a style prude, but also normal.

My options:
- super darling outfit with bicycles. And, a onesie "auntie's favorite". Yep, not your kids aunt. That just made it weird.
- a juicy couture one piece with "juicy" across the bib.... didn't juicy couture go out of style with words on the ass sweatpants? Not buying that. Just no.
- the cutest flamingo print dress. And, a onesie "daddy's sunshine" uum, no. Why? Seriously, why? Why does it have to say anything. You either pushed the kid out, or watched it get pushed. We get it. You like your kid. But, weird. Where is the "you are the boss. Here's a cute gift. Let's have some personal boundaries gift" And THAT  is saying something because I love learning, knowing and caring about people and their life happiness but it's just too far.

In conclusion, I would like to thank The Gap for the freaking adorable denim dress, stripe sweater and matching tights. On sale, cute, not weird, and no reference to family ties. Gap is clutch. Now, can I have a discount for the brand thumbs up?

The Clo Clo Monster

TMI so don't let it phase you. You were warned.

So, the most wonderful, dreamy, helpful doctor (not an exageration. I love him and I honestly think he is a gem. Call me, i'll refer you) decided that I should try out clomid. Not for long, only a few cycles. I am NOT an expert, and I won't pretend to be someone that took a high dose for an extended period of time. I have friends that did, and they are my heros. I will let you know how my few cycles went.

I believe that everyone has an opinion. 

Clomid has made many people pregnant and I think it can be a great option. If you are thinking about it I recommend that you pray. Get answers. Is it the right time? The right thing? If it is then med up, but if not, that's okay too.

Here's my top 10. 

And, it is so okay to laugh, because let's be honest, some of these will make you roll.

1. Before taking clomid, I had to have a blood pregnancy test (I know it's for safety and they HAVE to make sure, but come on. Salt that a little more). The nurse called me several days later to let me know I was not pregnant and could begin clomid. I was pretty nervous on the phone and responded, "okay, so I can start taking the chlamidia now?... i mean, uh.." The nurse politely contained her laughter, but you know she went and double checked my chart after to ensure I didn't have the clap. To be clear, I didn't and never have, but I was so nervous and I had just had a conversation about the other C word and it was the C word in my head.

2. My favorite word is the F word. It was in my head ALL day long. I know it's not okay, I know I can't say that. I was worried that if the doctor increased my dose, I'd start dropping it on everyone at work. And that's frowned upon.

3. I didn't feel in control of myself. I felt "off". I knew when I was being ridiculous but I would feel that whatever I was being ridiculous about was so important.

4. Life is better with your office door shut.
5. Life on clomid is better when you get eyelash extensions. It just is.

Sidenote: my eyelashes are amazing, but fell off quicker if I was on the clo the week I got them done. It happened twice, so that's fact based. And, I have the best lash artist in all of Utah, they never fall off. Ever. Except on those weeks. And, it was only if they were brand new that week. What the hormone?!

6. Laughing while crying. That's when you know Clomid has made you bat shit crazy.

7. Gain 3 pounds, lose 3 pounds. In a matter of hours. "I have nothing that fits" was a struggle and I swear I look lile a bloated balloon in our anniversary trip pictures. 

8. I'm grateful that we tried. We almost didn't. But then I would have wondered if we should have. It didn't work, but what if it had. And, I didn't take it because I felt crazy. A baby is worth the crazy. 

9. I fell in love with Casey that much more. He is the most patient person. He gets a look and knows it's time to walk away, or leave wherever we were. He took care of extra chores or planned dates. (Oddly enough, I still liked him) 

9a. (Because I have more) knocking is a priority. DO NOT come to my home unannounced. We are on a very strict schedule at the Holmes house. (Note- the new med allow for visitors more frequently. But still, expensive strict schedule over here.) I realize it sounds rude, but my goodness it is science. And, we follow it.

10. The weight loss after clomid. Uum, yeah, I've lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks (granted I'm also changing my diet. But good sweet mama, I feel like a $20 dollah bill over here. )

Overall, I wish it would have worked. But, I wish it could have worked like the discovery channel too. (Excuse that vulgar reference. I'm funny not on medication too). I know we will have 15 babies exactly when we should. Until then, we'll try to be positive or we may just shut ourselves in doors for the day. 

I'm sad clomid didn't work for us. I absolutely would do it for 20 more cycles if it would work. My doctor didn't think it would for us. So, we are on to new things. Good luck to any of you that may still be taking clomid! I'm sorry if you have to do 1 cycle or 13 or 25. They all suck because this sucks. There will be a great reward at the end. 

Xo